All original content copyright (2011-2024) Kristine deGuzman. All rights reserved.
Spent the past two weekends gallivanting around Oakland, Berkeley, San Francisco, Santa Barbara and San Luis Obispo. Some pictures below.
So far this year I've gone on a string of somewhat spontaneous trips, and it's been fun - booking last minute plane tickets, Airbnbs, restaurant reservations, etc. Combined with great company, I've dined well, drank well, and danced my way through several weekends.
Here's to hoping this trend continues.
Ramsey's new English bulldog puppy, Butter
Hi, Berkeley
Steps leading to my favorite campus secret spot behind Sather Gate
Santa Barbara, CA
Sycamore Mineral Springs
Fucking glorious
Madonna Inn, San Luis Obispo
April 2003
... ok now that we've gotten past the shallow stuff, lets go a bit uh...wutever shall we?...
February 2017
Love seemed a lot simpler when I was a kid. Elusive, but simpler.
When I was younger, relationships seemed difficult only because it seemed impossible for two people to like each other at the exact same time. Crushes were fleeting, and in my old journals, I would often lament how unfortunate it was that my old crushes would reciprocate only after I was over it. If only our attractions had lined up just right, love could have taken root and blossomed around us. Love seemed only a matter of timing.
But of course, my experience of love has not been as simple as that.
I’ve been in the Bay Area for the last few days, celebrating the birthdays of several of my closest friends from college and from my life in San Francisco. Over the course of the weekend two of my friends ended up getting engaged, and I soon realized - here I am, suddenly surrounded by a slew of married or newly engaged couples.
While I’m happy for and completely supportive of all of my friends as they take this next step in their relationships, I have to be honest - for a brief moment on Saturday I felt myself overcome with an unidentifiable kind of malaise. What was this feeling causing me to retreat into the bathroom with quiet tears? Was it sadness? Envy? Disappointment? Resentment?
I’ve since had some time to think about it, and I think what I realized is that while I’m in no rush to get to the altar, these engagements were somewhat sad reminders that my life didn’t turn out exactly the way I thought it would. For a long time - for years - I was confident that I knew exactly what the future held for me. It was going to be me and this person and we were going to be together forever, living our happily-ever-after over Sunday coffee and trips to the farmer’s market.
I’d built a whole future in my head, and I was so sure of it - there was no alternative. So yeah, it's a little sad when faced with the reality that sometimes things don’t turn out the way you expect them to.
It's not always easy, but I've been building a new kind of confidence these days, and crafting an image of my future that doesn't completely revolve around another person. While I continue to have brief moments of sadness, bits of melancholy that pierce through my day, I still feel secure in the decisions that led to this point and I know that love will flourish again - it may just look different than what I imagined before.
Every day since the Inauguration, I've woken up with a renewed sense of dread - what bad news will greet me and the rest of the world today?
It's difficult to not feel demoralized after reading countless articles and headlines discussing the fuckery of this administration - the unabashed lying, the rumors of party infighting, the ill-crafted policies, the woeful ineptitude of the inexperienced and the power hungry leading our country - it's been only 2 weeks into the new administration and this barely scratches the surface of it.
For a brief period of time I couldn't bring myself to read the news, and I found myself growing increasingly resentful towards what I perceived to be the source of these issues - if only Trump voters weren't so uneducated and ignorant, if only self-righteous progressives didn't waste their votes on third-party candidates, if only the media hadn't spent several decades questioning and undermining Hillary Clinton's accomplishments, if only, if only.
Eventually I realized that I was only assigning blame because it was easier to wrap my head around than the prospect of battling an unqualified leader and corrupt government that appears at risk of turning into a dictatorship. I'm just one person. What can I do? And while it's tempting to bury my head in the sand for the next 4 years, blame and willful ignorance doesn't serve me, nor does it serve the country.
The Atlantic recently published an interesting and terrifying piece that looks at what forces could lead to an autocracy under Donald Trump, including citizen apathy - it's a long read, but it's balanced, intelligent and thoughtful and without the sensationalist fear mongering that I've seen in similar articles. I highly recommend it.
I also wanted to share some of the things I've been doing recently to combat my post-Inauguration blues, in case it's helpful for anyone else that's been feeling similarly overwhelmed.
Former Congressional staffers have shared great advice on how to make your voice heard - Emily Ellsworth shared tips and insight on how to effectively talk to your member of Congress, including attending town halls, calling their state offices, sending letters, etc. Mark Jahnke also shared a really useful FB post on how to make your calls to Congress quick and effective.
Last week one of my good friends organized a call-a-thon where we left voicemails for our Senators and House Representatives on 7 key issues, including Steve Bannon's appointment to the National Security Council, the Muslim Ban, the wall, and more. My friend prepared scripts for each issue, and when we encountered full mailboxes for our reps' DC lines, we called each of their state office lines until we found mailboxes that weren't full.
Collectively we made over 100 calls that night, and the next day, we were pleased to see Senator Kamala Harris tweet this:
Her tweets were almost verbatim what we said in our voicemails! Probably a coincidence, but we're still taking credit.
Click here to find your elected officials.
I've never voted in a city or county election before, and I honestly couldn't name a single person I know that has. But there's an election coming up on March 7 in LA and you better fucking believe I will be there. Voter turnout in local elections tends to be low and skew older and more conservative, so to make a difference at the national level, we have to start getting engaged in local elections and voting for people and policies that align with our values.
After the election I think it became clear to a lot of liberals that we were living in media bubbles not unlike the ones enjoyed by viewers of Fox News. While many media outlets do tend to lean left, I've stopped following a lot of far left /progressive news sources and reporters (i.e. Daily Kos, Huffington Post, Shaun King, etc.) and stopped watching clips from John Oliver and Trevor Noah, because I realized that constantly feeling liberal outrage and superiority was counter productive and, again, not unlike the conservative outrage stoked by Fox News. Forbes recently published a good list of journalism brands to follow for fact-based reporting, and I've used tools like AllSides to find news sources that are a little more centered.
While I was bored during my funemployment, I decided to look up volunteering opportunities and volunteered at L.A. Kitchen for a few weeks. It was a really awesome, uplifting experience, and since then I've been determined to set aside more time in my life to volunteer - I'm currently waiting to start volunteering with 826LA, a literacy non-profit dedicated to supporting students with their creative and expository writing skills. Finding a cause to support and volunteering is a great way to battle feelings of futility - click here to find volunteer opportunities near you.
I'm technically still jobless so I haven't been able to do this yet, but once I have a steady income again, I'm planning on setting up a monthly donation to ACLU and Planned Parenthood because they're two organizations whose missions I strongly believe in and support. Jezebel also posted a great round-up of pro-women, pro-earth and pro-immigrant organizations to donate to if you need some extra inspiration.
I personally have never had my opinion swayed by someone yelling in my face or belittling me, and because that's what you'll often find in the comments sections of Facebook posts or news articles, I usually try to avoid them. Productive, intelligent political discourse rarely happens on social media, and because of this, I think bridging the cultural divide in America can often seem like an insurmountable task. For those that feel that way, some recommended reading:
These are just a few of the ways I've been dealing with my own demoralization and depression, but if you feel the need to take even more action, check out the Resistance Toolkit for more inspiration and advice.
I strongly believe that the only way we can combat the adverse effects of this administration is to stay informed, stay vigilant, and stay engaged in ways that both foster open dialogue and avoid the trap of "othering." I have no doubt that the next four years will continue to get worse before they get better, but, with any luck, I have hope that the recent spate of political activism and non-violent protest will galvanize more people to show up and stay engaged.
Most people who know me know that I've been keeping a journal for just about 20 years. My journals inhabit a kind of sacred space in my life - they're my therapy, my outlet, my evidence that I existed, that this life happened.
Now writing is, to some degree, an exercise in self-importance. I've amassed 28 physical journals over the years, and they're fun little reminders of my insecurities, my angst, my cruelty, my overconfidence. I sometimes wonder what will happen to these when I die, who will tend to these volumes of me.
So I thought, fuck it. Perhaps the statue of limitations of embarrassment has run out. Perhaps it would be fun to share the bullshit thoughts of my younger selves.
Starting today, I'm going to be blogging regularly with insights and observations from present-day me and offer, in contrast, insights and observations from child/teenage me. And, spoiler alert, child/teenage me was a little cunt.
I've always been a bit of an over-sharer - when it comes to giving more or less details, I always choose more. But I feel like this is how I like to connect with people - it's my hope that in sharing the most vulnerable parts of me, others will feel comfortable doing the same. And couldn't we all afford to be a little less guarded and a little more vulnerable in our relationships with each other? Wouldn't that be more fun?
January 2001, in which I'm 12 and already an expert at throwing shade.
Next topic, the spelling bee. KC was alternate and it was me, brainiac, and MMM competin. I'll cut to the exciting point. It was between me and brainiac and then I spelled "ABATEMENT" wrong. Can you believe Sarah spelled "irreplaceable" wrong? Geez! How low can you get against a 5 grader who spelled it right!
Next topic is mine n KC's movie date. Me, Andrew, KC, and Bette (who which might I add has been a b**** to us lately) all went to the movies alone...Well you won't believe what happened next. While we were waiting outside Kristel came up wid Jazz her boyfriend (lol). She's all like I knew it you ditched me I'm not gonna talk at school anymore. I was like oh ouch that hurts I don't get the priviledge to talk to a 6 grader anymore.
Well that night I joined Calvin's class for Hip Hop. It was a lot of fun but I'm still so sore to this very moment. Eventually Kristel gave in and said sorry. She's also gonna join Calvins class. If I could barely handle it what makes her think she can do it. She sucks crap!
Well I cut my hair. Am I a babe or what!
- Kristine
What an incredible day - the first in which I actually felt some glimmer of hope since November 8.
The energy today in downtown LA was electric, with 750,000 like-minded people marching peacefully together towards a common good. Signs and bodies filled the streets, proffering messages of love, hope, and fearless opposition.
Let the resistance begin.
