What a Year It's Been

I’ve always contended that it was my personal statements that got me into Berkeley, because I wasn’t really a competitive applicant based on the rest of my academic record. My GPA was good but not outstanding, my SAT score was underwhelming, and I didn’t have that many extracurriculars. But much to the surprise of my college counselor and high school friends, I got in, and I’ve always thought that maybe the college application reader saw something in me that I didn’t yet see in myself.

Recently I went through my external hard drive and re-read one of my personal statements:

“If I could do anything for the rest of my life, it would be to write about anything and everything; I’m not picky. I love the idea of my dusty words outliving my decomposing corpse and leaving a small imprint, if any imprint, proving that I was here. Proving that I experienced this life in this world, and that every puzzle piece moment wasn’t experienced in vain.

There’s a lot I want out of life, and if I can just document half of my experiences for others to experience vicariously, then that’s enough for me. Writing gives me this ambition to live a million different lives just so I can write it all down on paper and let future generations know that yeah, I went there. Yeah, I did that, and you can too.

I want to be able to look back one day and have the satisfaction that I accomplished something amazing, and I did it while taking full advantage of every bit of potential hiding in the crevices of my tiny, tiny body. I want to be someone to emulate; someone that I can be proud of. There is just so much to experience, and I can’t wait to jump into this crazy life in this crazy world, and you know, really be a part of it all.”

It’s fun to look back at those words over a decade later and see that 1) I basically sound the same, and 2) I am still on this journey to becoming someone whose legacy I would be proud to leave behind.

But I’m getting there, slowly but surely. This has been a year of transformation, not just for me but for the entire world. And it rests at the heels of the past several years of transformation for me, where I have actively sought ways to sustain a lasting happiness. I’ve already written many, many words about confronting depression, going to therapy, and finding love and community, so I won’t belabor the point. I’ve just always been a reflective person with an eye on self-improvement, for which there is no destination, only the journey.

So for my birthday this year, I’m going to unapologetically celebrate the things I’ve done in the past year that have helped propel me forward. Which is big for me, because despite how hard I work and how intentionally I try to live, I have always felt a little awkward owning my accomplishments. The line between confidence and narcissism is difficult for me to toe, and my fear of the latter often waters down the former. It’s the next thing to tackle on my self-improvement to-do list - how do I balance being a fully confident and self-possessed person without also being a total asshole.

But I digress. Here’s what I’m celebrating today:

• I’ve been following through with my New Year’s resolution to be a more conscious consumer by no longer shopping on Amazon, purchasing toilet paper that helps build sanitation infrastructure in areas that need it, and using compostable dog bags made of cornstarch bio-based material instead of plastic bags.

• Liam and I have moved our money from Charles Schwab (who we learned has contributed millions to Trump and the GOP) to Amalgamated Bank, a socially responsible B Corp that is aligned with issues we care about - climate change and sustainability, criminal justice and private prisons, gun safety, and reproductive rights, to name a few. The Checking account I opened donates a portion of the interest earned to Color of Change, which is pretty cool.

• While we’re on the topic of money, I’ve also moved my retirement funds into an active ESG (Environmental, Social, Governance) portfolio so that even my investments are socially responsible. On top of that, I’m working on normalizing the concept of wealth redistribution on a micro level, by donating to GoFundMe’s, bail funds, nonprofits, etc.

• Since quarantine I’ve also taken an active role in building a more inclusive team culture and improving team morale in my office, and I’ve encouraged my teams and clients to be actively anti-racist - in the conversations we have with each other and in customer-facing messaging. I recently raised my hand to become the DEI Steward for our Western Region, and even if I don’t get the role, I look forward to participating in one of the many other anti-racist programs my company has initiated since the beginning of June.

• I’ve kept on top of (in as healthy a way as possible) making my voice heard on a political level - by signing petitions, making phone calls, voting, and amplifying resources and information to my network.

I’m not sharing this to pat myself on the back, nor to make anyone else feel bad about what they are or are not doing. I, like so many, have been battling feelings of helplessness and futility all of quarantine, and these small actions have helped keep my depression at bay. Charitable giving and good deeds have been scientifically proven to improve one’s happiness levels (which I learned in the Science of Well-Being course), and I have to agree - during this extremely turbulent time, focusing on action and kindness rather than swirl in my own self-pity and fear has been very impactful and helped me maintain my sanity.

I also recognize that it’s due to my financial privilege that I’m able to make many of these decisions. The actions I’ve taken and the choices I’ve made are in response to my immediate sphere of influence, and they’re probably not right for everyone. We all have a unique part to play in creating a more equitable and inclusive world, and this is just my contribution - my money, my actions, my words, my hope.

As I look back at the words I wrote when I was 17, it makes me happy to know that the person I am today is very much so a fleshed out version of who I wanted to be then. And if you’re reading this, I hope this reflection encourages you to also pause and reflect on yourself - are you the person you always thought you would be? Are you someone your younger self would be proud of? And if not, what’s missing? What would you change? What could you do now, today, to get closer to becoming that person?

2020 will be a year forever imprinted on our identities. On my birthday I acknowledge it as a year I embraced reflection and in living in my power, and I encourage you to do the same.

---

This is my 4th annual birthday reflection. Past blogs for reference:

2019
2018
2017

Saying Goodbye

Hey MT,

I coined this nickname for you during our time at LEWIS, which in hindsight was an odd choice since “MT” kind of sounds like “empty,” and nothing could be further from describing you. 

I met you briefly in college, a friend of a friend of a friend, but I guess at some point we started following each other on Tumblr, and in January 2012 you messaged me for the first time on Facebook. You apologized for liking my Tumblr posts so quickly in case I thought it was creepy, but that you truly found my Tumblr more entertaining than others. Soon after you started asking me for job hunting advice, and I remember wondering at the time why you were asking me. What was your angle? Were you flirting? Or did you just trust me, despite the fact that we barely knew each other? Over the course of the next year I gave you advice, edited your cover letter, and referred you to jobs, until eventually I helped you land your first full-time job out of college at LEWIS - reporting into me.

I had just been promoted to Manager right when you were hired, and you unfortunately bore the brunt of my first year learning how to manage people. I was particular and had high expectations, and I often look back at that first year with guilt that I was so hard on you. But you were a model employee - always gracious accepting and implementing feedback, always willing to lend a helping hand even if it was to your own detriment, and always the first to befriend and welcome new people. In short, you were everyone’s favorite person, including mine.

It’s hard to fully describe our dynamic, as we wore so many hats in our friendship and had a deep, mutual respect for each other that existed beyond our time at LEWIS. I think you might have been a little intimidated by me in the beginning, perhaps because I’d seen a more vulnerable, sheepish version of you when you were just getting started in your career, and I was your boss and your mentor. I encouraged you during our 1:1s to bring the energy and confidence you had in your personal life over to your professional life, because you were so charismatic and so well-loved, I knew those traits alone could carry you far. But you helped me a lot, too, and I had so much admiration for you. You were the first person I ever mentored, and you taught me how to be a better leader, a lesson I’ve taken with me throughout the rest of my career, as well as a better friend.

You always reminded me so much of my brother with your charm and your humor and your love of hypebeast culture, I often told you that I wanted you to meet because I thought doing so would cause a rip in the universe, two twin souls meeting each other for the first time. I repeated this so often to both you and my brother that you eventually became friends on social media, much to my amusement. When you told me this past December that you were considering moving to LA for your next chapter, I was so excited to be able to spend more time with you, to introduce you to my brother and Liam, and to live out the SoCal stage of our friendship. You were a brother to me, so similar to my actual one, that losing you has felt like losing a part of myself. You were my go-to person anytime I needed advice or a listening ear and I will deeply miss having your support in my life.

The last time I gchatted you was the day after Kobe died. You were one of the biggest fans I knew and I wanted to make sure you were ok, but I never heard back and I thought maybe you were so devastated that you needed some space. It brings me some solace to now know that you got sick before Kobe died and that perhaps you never knew about the accident - because if the cancer hadn’t killed you, Kobe’s death might have. 

I’m so thankful for the friendship we had, and I will cherish the memories we had together. And because I’m a nostalgic person, I’ve been going through our old messages everywhere and I’m so grateful to have found this one - which you sent to me after the Kaskade concert back in 2016.

I love you, MT, you were one of my favorite people and I will miss you forever. Rest with Kobe. 

A Reflection on Impermanence

I started making collages for my journals back in 2007, and they’ve kind of turned into vision boards/reflections of how I’m feeling at a given point in time. While making this journal I thought a lot about the stability I’ve gained over the last few years and found myself questioning - what comes next?

I’ve gotten to a place at work where I no longer feel the weight of imposter syndrome, and while I feel satisfied and happy with my job, I also can’t help but feel like there’s more I could be doing. Granted, this feeling is pervasive in all areas of my life and it’s something I wrestle with often, but recently I’ve been grappling with a kind of existential anxiety - a feeling that was exacerbated following the tragedy this past weekend.

I’m not a sports fan and I didn’t follow Kobe’s career, but his legacy and impact is indisputable. I understand there was controversy around him, and I don’t dismiss that. Humans are complicated, complex beings and we make mistakes, but I think there’s merit in acknowledging and learning from our mistakes and always striving to be better versions of ourselves, which I think Kobe did. I read an article today on how he cared about inspiring others, not in a self-serving way, but rather he cared about passing on knowledge he’d learned to inspire others to push themselves. To discover the edges of their own greatness. And it’s made me think a lot about the ripples we leave in people’s lives, including my own.

Another death that profoundly affected me recently was that of a childhood friend of mine, Tim. Growing up Tim was one of the kindest, most selfless people I knew who always put the needs of others before himself, and that’s also how he died - while in service to others. After his death there was an outpouring of love and support from all the communities he touched, and it was humbling to see. He was such an unassuming person, but his warmth was unforgettable. I think about his legacy too, how as a high school teacher he inspired a generation of students to emulate his kindness, sincerity, and generosity, as well as his belief in the innate goodness of others.

When death takes people much sooner than expected - good people, kind people, people who cared about giving back and doing right by others - it can feel a little defeating. Who remains? Who will carry on their work, their legacy? In a society that feels increasingly disconnected and self-serving, the loss of anyone who loved and who cared for others feels like a huge one.

I don’t know what’s next for me, but I do feel like there’s something more out there, which I want to dedicate this journal to exploring. How can I lead an inspiring life, one that I’m proud of and that galvanizes others to also aspire for more? How can I be kinder and more generous with my time and resources, and ensure that the imprint I leave behind on this world is a positive one?

It’s unfortunate that it’s often following tragedy that we’re led to contemplate the impermanence of time and of our place in this world, but I’d like to think that it’s never too late to change, to form deeper connections with the people and communities around us, and to blossom into better, more compassionate versions of ourselves.

My heart goes out to the friends and families of all of those affected by these losses - may the legacies of their loved ones live on in all of us. 🌷

2019 - End of a Decade

It’s my favorite time of year! Time for my annual New Year’s survey, MY 16TH YEAR of doing this.

I’ve been journaling for over 20 years and tend to be a pretty nostalgic person as a result, so in preparation for this I read my responses to this survey going back to 2011. The biggest thing that struck me is how clearly depressed I was for several years. It’s so palpable in my writing - a coldness, a malaise. A hesitance to be completely open and honest. In 2014 and 2015 I talk most explicitly about my depression, but even in the years preceding I sound so unhappy with my choices, my lack of direction, my weight gain, and my stagnation.

Over the last 4 years I’ve seen a steady increase in my happiness and improved mental health, and most notably they’ve been the years where I’ve worked the most intensely on myself - quitting my job, testing the dating waters, investing in hobbies, building trust in my competence and abilities, going to therapy.

While it can be such a cliche to say that you have to “do the work” in order to know who you are and what you want, to be able to accept love in a healthy relationship, and ultimately to be happy, it’s also absolutely true. I’ve spent half of this decade doing the work and I recognize now that “the work” is not finite - I am a constantly evolving, constantly changing organism and there are always areas for improvement, but through experience, I feel much better equipped to address and welcome new changes into my life as they come.

Let’s look back at 2019!

Past years for reference:

2018
2017
2016
2015
2014
2013
2012
2011
2009
2008
2007
2006
2005
2004
2003

1. What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before?
I went to Batanes and Palawan in the Philippines, to the Cook Islands, to Guerneville, and kind of went to South Korea via a long layover. I saw a basketball game at the Staples Center. I went to a screening (of Wiz Khalifa’s new show on Apple TV - so ~Hollywood~). I helped produce a short pole-themed video series with Liam (which are all on Liam’s IG and you should watch all of them). I competed at a pole competition (PSO Nationals) and won first place! I moved in with a partner and achieved previously unknown levels of happiness via nesting. I also did a zombie press into a handstand, as well as many other pole tricks, too innumerable to name.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
My 2019 goals:

• Be kinder and more responsible with my body. Did, or at least tried to, and this was a huge theme of last year. I recognize that my body is aging and won’t recover as quickly as it used to, so this year I tried to be a lot more mindful of resting when I was feeling strained. I also started to foam roll regularly, signed up for monthly sports massages, saw a chiropractor, went to physical therapy while I was training for Nationals, and I just got a Hypervolt for Christmas. Trying to get as much mileage out of this body while I can.

• Maintain a regular meditation practice. Ugh, totally fucking failed this one, and I definitely felt it this year. I’ve noticed that I was more stressed and anxious this year over things that didn’t bother me as much last year, and I do think it’s because I’ve worn myself out running around from one thing to the next and leaving little time to just sit in stillness.

• Volunteer at least once a quarter. Ugh, also failed. First I was just too busy poling and then I was busy traveling and then I was busy moving and being ~in love~ that I just didn’t make time for this regularly.

• Compete or perform publicly on pole. DID, AND I WON FIRST PLACE. It was super intense and also bittersweet, but I’m really proud of what I accomplished. While I can’t say confidently that I’ll ever compete again, I definitely want to perform again. What can I say, I’m a Leo, I love the spotlight. 😈

• Get my finances back in fucking order. Halfway did. I hired a financial advisor and I cleaned up a lot of my accounts/made a plan to pay down my debt, but I still have work to do as far as creating a budget and actually sticking to it.

• Finish my bedroom. Did! Actually more than did, because Liam and I moved in together and we basically furnished and decorated our entire fucking apartment, including framing and hanging the art that I’ve had sitting in the corner of my bedroom for years. Nesting is so much fun, by the way, I feel like I’ve been wanting to do this for years, so to finally be living it is incredibly satisfying.

My 2020 goals:

• Maintain a regular meditation practice: I’m putting this first to emphasize its level of importance to me. I was happier and much more stable when I was meditating regularly, and I want to get back to that. I also think I need to be less hard on myself that I’m unable to sit in stillness by myself and try doing guided meditations next year.

• Explore side hustle opportunities: While I actually really like my job and get a lot of satisfaction out of it, I’m interested in exploring other avenues to make money or monetize my skills/interests. I feel like the traditional career path - college education -> internship -> salaried job - is no longer necessarily the norm, and I’m curious to see what I can build for myself, since I also don’t see myself working in the corporate world forever.

• Live within a budget: This is pathetic, but I’ve basically never successfully done this. I live pretty much exactly within my means, and while I have money put away for retirement and in savings, I know that I can and should be a lot more aggressive with my financial health.

• Consume more responsibly: This is in relation to a few different things - I tend to be really indulgent in all areas of my life, and I’d like to be better at saying no to myself and moderating my eating habits (i.e. eat less meat and commit to eating only grass-fed, pasture-raised meat and dairy), my drinking habits (i.e. drinking only on weekends and only a couple times a month), and my purchasing decisions (i.e. I have SO MANY fucking pole clothes and yoga clothes, I could do without buying any more for at least the next 6 months). I’m also trying to be conscious of my environmental footprint, reducing my use of single-use plastics, and just generally doing what I can to be a good citizen of the world.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, but ask me again next year!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
In 16 years, this is the first time that I’m unfortunately able to say yes. 2 weeks ago a childhood friend of mine, Tim, passed away in an accident. He was an experienced search and rescue volunteer and he died after a horrific fall while searching for a missing hiker in Mt. Baldy.

While I hadn’t seen or spoken to Tim in over 10 years, we went to school together from basically K-12 and he was my first and my longest crush, arguably the foundation of my attraction to tall, handsome, and very sincere white boys. I still find myself overcome with emotion when I think about him, in a visceral way that catches me completely off guard, but I suppose on some deep, subconscious level those feelings never go away.

I have a lot more to say about this, better saved for another time. RIP Tim. You’ll be missed.

5. What countries did you visit?
The Philippines, South Korea (for a long layover en route to the Philippines) and the Cook Islands.

6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?
A budget. A side hustle.

7. What date from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 13 - Liam’s and my move-in day! Or August 10, when I competed at Nationals.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
My job life was pretty lit this year and I’m really proud of the stability I’ve gained at work. Also, placing first in Exotic Level 2 at PSO Nationals!

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not making the time to meditate or volunteer.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
When I was training for Nationals I started having issues with the mobility in my knees, but that’s since gone away. No major illnesses or injuries otherwise.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Basically all of the new furniture and decorations we got for our new apartment. I *love* our place, it feels the most like home of anywhere I’ve lived. 😊

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Anyone who made an effort to show kindness and compassion to other people. I feel like we’re so inundated with bad news these days that it becomes uncomfortably easy to see only the worst in humanity. In 2020 I want to make more of a conscious effort to choose to consume uplifting and optimistic news, which I started with Obama’s Year in Hope review.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Literally all of politics. I can’t really follow it anymore because it’s exhausting feeling helpless and witness to divisive and inflexible points-of-view on either side of the political spectrum.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Pole and our new apartment. But, you know, WORTH IT.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Moving in! Traveling with Liam! Placing 1st at Nationals!

16. What song will always remind you of 2019?
Moglebaum - Animal, Thom Yorke - Dawn Chorus, Lescop - La Foret, Uppermost - Open Hearts

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
I’ve been pretty happy the last few years, but I might be just a teensy bit happier this year.

ii. thinner or fatter?
I was super lean this time last year so I’m maybe a teensy bit fatter, but also stronger and more muscular.

iii. richer or poorer?
Slightly richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
As mentioned already, meditating and volunteering. I also wish I wrote in my journal more - kind of fell off the wagon this year.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Spending the first few hours of my morning in bed and on my phone, which is such a time waste. There was a point in time when I had a rule for myself that I wouldn’t look at my phone until after getting out of bed and getting ready for the day, and I’d like to get back to that routine.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
This answer never changes - always with my family, marathoning Christmas movies, though this year we also sprinkled in other nostalgic movies on Disney+. Always a chill time.

22. Did you fall in love in 2019?
Madly, yet stably. With Liam I laugh harder and smile wider - big, toothy, open-mouthed grins like this one, and everyday I’m grateful for the love that we share.

23. How many one night stands?
None. No need for one night stands when you share a bed with the hottest snack in town. 😋

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Euphoria, The Great British Baking Show (Liam and I binge watched basically the entire show this year), Killing Eve, and the Mandalorian (even though the middle of the season was kind of a dud).

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nah, I’m a grown-up now

26. What was the best book you read?
Homegoing was beautiful, tough, but necessary.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
No one really. I listened mostly to artists I already knew this year, and while I did enjoy songs by OTR and Tourist, I can’t say I’d go to one of their shows.

28. What did you want and get?
An apartment with Liam and literally all of the furniture and decorations we wanted (it’s actually outrageous). 8-inch thigh-high boots for pole, and, like, even more strappy pole clothes (I need a pole clothes purchasing detox for at least the next 6 months). Oh, and a Hypervolt for Christmas!

29. What did you want and not get?
Nothing really. Everything I didn’t get last year, like a pole for our apartment, I’ll probably get this year because that’s the kind of person I am.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Booksmart was HILARIOUS and I LOVED Ready or Not and Jojo Rabbit. I also liked John Wick 3 and thought Parasite and Honey Boy were excellent.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Nothing crazy this year - I was still having some feels about my competition on my birthday and wasn’t in the best mood that day. But Liam planned dinner with my friends at Birdie G’s, which was delicious, and then surprised me with my favorite cake from Lady M and then all saltiness melted away. I turned 31.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Probably meditating and practicing more yoga.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2019?
About the same - still black, still borderline slutty, maybe a little more gothy. I leaned more into my love of chains and harnesses this year, and I really love that people have just come to expect this from me now even in professional settings.

34. What kept you sane?
I said this last year but it’s still true: my workout routines, my friends, but most of all therapy

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you want the most?
Honestly, no one. See above comment, on literally sharing a bed with this literal snack.

…or maybe Geralt of Rivia. 🙈🙊

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I still only keep up with politics at the very bare minimum, because I find our political institutions fruitless and frustrating. Not even impeachment could cheer me up when we still have trash like McConnell in office and completely unqualified judges appointed to lifetime terms. Like I said, next year I want to focus on optimistic news.

37. Who did you miss?
No one. Even though Liam and I were apart for chunks of the year while we were both traveling and I would miss him during those times, it doesn’t really feel like “missing” when you know you’re going to see that person again soon, the first opportunity you get.

38. Who are cool new people you met?
It’s been fun splitting time between Liam’s and my friend groups and seeing how easily we’re able to fit into each other’s. I’ve also made a lot more pole friends this year!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019?
I have two this year:

1. Do the thing that’s hard, the thing that scares you, because that’s how you grow and mitigate fear of change and the unknown.

2. You can’t expect people to know what you need or how you want to be treated. You have to do the deep inner work to figure out what that looks like or feels like for you and communicate what you need and/or want to others.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I want your love
And I want it bad
I just wanna treat you better
I just wanna treat you better

- RÜFÜS DU SOL - Treat You Better

A Year of Us

I was 15 minutes late to our first date, exactly a year ago today. We had matched on Hinge three weeks earlier, but I was already actively dating a few other people and he was the one I was least excited about. At the time I had recently finished reading, “Get the Guy” by Matthew Hussey and was feeling motivated and inspired to find a serious relationship, having spent the previous two years working on myself and (unsuccessfully) casually dating.

I distinctly remember choosing to wear a white shirt because I’d stalked his Instagram and he seemed to be a light-hearted, positive person, and I didn’t want to scare him off with my usual gothy, witchy vibes. We met for a puppy play date at a poorly lit dog park in Hollywood and sat on damp grass as we got through the usual get-to-know-you first date questions - what do you do for work, where are you from, how was your week, etc. You know, unremarkable shit. 30 minutes into our conversation, his dog squat over me and peed all over my legs.

I now know Luna to be such a sweet, well-behaved dog that it’s shocking to look back at that moment and the brazenness of her behavior - maybe she knew something we didn’t. Liam was of course horrified and embarrassed, and for a moment I considered going home. But our conversation was going so well and he was so cute, plus I’d already driven all the way out to Hollywood from the Westside, I told him that if he didn’t mind smelling his dog’s pee all over my legs, I’d be down to keep hanging out.

So we smoked a joint and had dinner at Wurstküche, Luna and Jojo lying at our feet as we downed boots of beer. I remember thinking that he was silly, too tall for me, and distractingly attractive. But he was also disarming, and because I had low expectations of seeing him again, I ended up revealing details about myself that I’ve never shared on first dates.

We talked for 3 hours that night. When I left I thought that while this probably won’t go anywhere, still doubting our compatibility, I figured he could be a tasty snack, a beautiful notch to add to my bedpost.

On our second date we went to an acro yoga class, and I found myself impressed at his lack of embarrassment and willingness to participate. We got vegan sushi for dinner and again talked for hours, but when we got back to my car we discovered that the passenger’s side window had been broken into and his backpack had been stolen out of it. I found myself impressed yet again at his immediate reaction - his compassion towards the thief, the thought that they probably needed it more than he did.

I made out with him in my car, careful of the shattered tempered glass on the seat.

That night I went home and texted my friends that he might not be a snack after all, and since that date we’ve spoken basically everyday. Last week we signed the lease to our new apartment, and in just a few weeks we’ll be moving in together.

It’s crazy to think how much has changed in the past year, in the past couple of years really. A little over a year ago I was in New York, blackout drunk, making out in a bar with a dude whose name I never got and whose face I can’t even picture in my head. Two years ago I was high off my Yoga Teacher Training, feeling motivated to really take control over my career and find a solution to my bouts of depression (which I’ve discovered while reading my old writing is something I’ve dealt with for years but struggled to name).

For a long time I’ve felt as if my life was at a tipping point, that my edges and seams were on the verge of becoming fully undone, and Liam happened to walk in at exactly the right moment. If I hadn’t gone through the terror of being unemployed for 10 months, weathered the instability of dating an emotionally unavailable person, and been forced to confront and vocalize my destructive thought patterns in therapy, I don’t think I would have learned the tools to be the confident and yet fully vulnerable person I’ve been able to be with him.

And I am so lucky to love him. It’s hard to articulate everything that he is to me - how his sweetness, his warmth, and his thoughtfulness have left an indelible imprint on my heart. He’s the first to celebrate my accomplishments and is the best at patiently listening and giving me advice when I’m feeling overwhelmed. He walks our dogs in the morning when I’m on early work calls at home, and takes them on hikes in the afternoon when I’m at yoga or pole. He also drives me to and picks me up from LAX whenever he can, any hour of the day or night, no questions asked. If that’s not love by LA standards, I don’t know what is.

A couple of years ago I wrote about my Saturn Return, which was every bit as scary and stressful as astrology makes it sound, but it was also probably the most transformative and illuminating period of my life. I recognize that this is just a new chapter in my story, that my life will continue to go through emotional peaks and valleys, but I’m excited to see this turn into “our” story. “Our” life and “our” journey, together.

Happy anniversary, Liam. I am so grateful for you.