2014 - it's not me, it's you.

Oh, hi. 

Sorry for the extended absence, Tumblr. To be totally honest I’ve been fucking depressed, and I haven’t been able to talk about it, because talking about it would have given it weight, would have given it shape and made it more real. 

I’m doing better now. I’ve crawled out of my hole far enough to acknowledge that yes, I have been living in a hole for the last few months. And yes, while I had a damn good life in San Francisco, I can’t replicate that life exactly in LA, and that’s still ok. It’s ok that things aren’t the same, because that’s just what life is - it’s transition and growth and continually evolving into the better versions of ourselves.

I realize now that I had become too comfortable in San Francisco. I’d settled into this wonderful life with my wonderful friends and my wonderful routines and everything was wonderful, and then I uprooted everything to move to LA.

Now living in LA, it’s like I’ve forgotten who I am; I’ve misplaced my identity. Returning to SF every other month for work then always has the effect of reminding me - like, oh right, I used to be confident, I used to have interests, I used to be able to leave my apartment before 2pm without feeling a sense of dread. I used to live, and not just have life happen to me or around me.

Today, I’m working on carving out a new life for myself in LA, on digging new roots into the ground. With the entirety of 2015 before me, I figured this was the right time to fill out my annual survey - get ready for the most pity-party version yet! 

Past years for reference:

2013
2012
2011
2009
2008
2007
2006
2005
2004
2003

1. What did you do in 2014 that you’d never done before?
I got:

I also:

  • Went to the ER/Urgent Care 
  • Ate at the French Laundry 
  • Attempted other cool yoga poses for the first time
  • Got a parking ticket (#becauseLA)
  • Got into a minor accident 

Then in the Philippines, I:

I feel like I’m missing some things, but it’s only because the past 6 months exist in a kind of black hole in my memory. 

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
My 2014 goals: 

  • Go to yoga at least 3x/week: Uh, I did sometimes. Fell off the wagon after I moved to LA, but working slowly to increase my frequency.
  • Invest future wedding funds into mutual funds: Lol. I pretty much purged my dedicated wedding savings account, because I realized how ridiculous it is to have a dedicated wedding savings account.
  • Save more money/stop spending so much money on food: I ate at 9 Michelin starred restaurants this year. Epic fail.
  • Read more, write more: Fail. 
  • Create a new home/website for my blog: Also a fail. The depression is real. 
  • Be healthy. Be happy. Be not an asshole. Hmm. 

My 2015 goals: 

  • Work out 3-4x/week: Yoga, obviously, but I’d also like to take at least one cardio class/week, and eventually take up rock climbing as well.  
  • Dress like a grown-up: I can’t keep wearing clothing with holes in them. 
  • Save more money/stop spending so much money on food: I REALLY NEED TO LEARN HOW TO DISCIPLINE MYSELF. 
  • Read more, write more: ^ ditto 
  • Learn how to code: I’m almost done with the HTML/CSS section on Codecademy. Eventually, I’d like to brush up my skills to the point where I can complete my resolution from last year - a new fucking website. 
  • Make friends/find new hobbies in LA: I just need to start making more of an effort in this area all around. I need friends. People in LA - please be my friend. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Kristy did! Welcome June Marion.  

4. Did anyone close to you die?
There was a lot of death around me this year. My cousin, Jeff, died suddenly of a massive stroke. My client who I’d been working with for the past year also died suddenly after she was hit by a car. My best friend’s mom died. There are other tangential deaths that I’m forgetting - this has been a jarring year, to say the least. 

5. What countries did you visit?
Philippines for fun, Spain for work (and let’s be real, a little fun too)

6. What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?
A more complete sense of happiness

7. What date from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
June 28 - the day I moved out of San Francisco 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting promoted to Digital Marketing Director. So fancy. 

9. What was your biggest failure?
I kind of failed at life all around this year, to be honest. I have little to no memory of this year - nothing felt very remarkable, because feeling depressed took priority on my spectrum of emotions. It colored every experience with shades of gray. 

I’ve noticed that even smiling in pictures has been difficult - it’s like my facial muscles have forgotten the expression. I forgot how to be happy. 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I was sick pretty frequently this year - I definitely had the flu and came down with a pretty terrible case of food poisoning. 

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Jojo! 

image

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Chris deserves a “boyfriend of the year” medal for the amount of shit he’s endured from me. 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine. Obviously.   

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food, moving costs, and rent. Goddamn, rent. 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Dinner at the French Laundry! I still fantasize about this meal.   

16. What song will always remind you of 2014?
Banks - Change, Bleachers - Rollercoaster, Silver Swans - Secrets, Panama - How We Feel, Sylvan Esso - Coffee 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
Sadder. 

ii. thinner or fatter?
Probably a little fatter. Skinny fatter. 

iii. richer or poorer?
A little of both? Richer on paper, but not in practice.  

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Reading, writing, working out, meeting new people, being happy. 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Feeling sorry for myself.  

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Watching classic Christmas movies from my childhood with Chris, Katie and a house full of dogs. 

22. Did you fall in love in 2014?
Stayed in it.  

23. How many one night stands?
My long-distance relationship turned into a same-city relationship this year. I don’t need one night stands.   

24. What was your favorite TV program?
The new season of New Girl has actually been great! I also continued to love Game of Thrones and Downton Abbey, no surprises there. At some point I’ll watch True Detective…at some point. 

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nah. 

26. What was the best book you read?
Books? I’d forgotten what those are.  

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Chet Faker, Banks, and I really enjoyed The Colourist for a minute there.  

28. What did you want and get?
A puppy. He’s the fucking cutest. 

29. What did you want and not get?
Nothing really. Just goes to show you can get everything you want and still be a miserable, dead person inside.  

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
The LEGO Movie, The Imitation Game, Gone Girl, The Grand Budapest Hotel, Guardians of the Galaxy

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Got Korean BBQ. I think alcohol was also involved at some point, but it was a pretty low key event.  

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Honestly? Friends in LA. 

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?
Pretty much the same as its always been - lots of black, lots of leather, lots of studs, lots of holes, lots of boots. I really need to start dressing like a grown-up, and less like a goth punk princess from the 90s. 

34. What kept you sane?
Nothing, really. I think I might have lacked sanity this year, though I wouldn’t say I was insane. 

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you want the most?
Still pretty dedicated to Ian Somerhalder. Always and forever, amen. 

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
ISIS had a pretty fucked up year. Also, gun control.  

37. Who did you miss?
Like, all of my friends in SF. My life in SF, really. 

38. Who are cool new people you met?
I wrote this last year, and it still holds pretty true: I’m not confident I even meet new people these days. 

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014?
You have to create your own happiness.  

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I’ve had dreams of breaking all, breaking all my bones
Before I break it off, I break it off alone

Melt my happiness, some kind of fucked up mess
Looking out for you is a kinder way to gain, it leaves me
Running circles into my brain
Help, my loneliness will take no part in this
Oh, Oh, Overdose
//Chet Faker (ft. Kilo Kish) - Melt

Now let us never speak of 2014 ever again.