I consider myself a pretty controlled and calculating person. There's very little that I do or say without a shit ton of research and thoughtful planning in advance. This behavior bleeds into the way I perceive and react to everything - like if I'm frustrated about something or feel that someone's slighted me, I'll sit down and write out every possible angle that could explain why I'm having such a strong emotional reaction or that analyzes what the other person's perspective in the situation could be. Basically what I'm saying is I overthink fucking everything.
But there have been several times in my life where I've felt unsteady or in flux where I've thought - fuck it - and spontaneously said "yes" to invitations without much extra thought or planning. These invitations have led to some of my most memorable experiences.
When I studied abroad in Spain, I said "yes" when my friends decided to go to the apartment of a group of young Italians we'd met that night at a club, and though none of them spoke English, we bonded over our shared interests in alcohol and dancing. Back in 2010 after a Fake Blood show in SF, I said "yes" when another group of friends decided to hop in a stranger's limo and head to a mansion in Pac Heights owned by one of the cofounders of PayPal, where we saw the beginnings of an orgy before deciding to make a very well-timed exit. Saying "yes" led me to adopting Jojo without even meeting him, and in the past year, saying "yes" has taken me on a date with a 47-year old to an underground salsa club, to my first dance hall class, to Austin, to another memorable first date at the free concert series at Santa Monica Pier, and now, to Paris and Berlin, a trip I booked less than a month in advance and which I leave for in a few hours.
I know I've basically been this emoji --> 😩 in recent entries, but the reason I haven't written in two weeks is because I've been busy not being depressed and living my life and shit, and I've actually been doing well. Writing, for me, is like vomiting after drinking - once I get it out of my system, I immediately feel better. I've also been doing a lot of yoga, taking daily meditative walks, and telling my life story to anyone with the patience to listen to it (thanks, friends!), and all of this has helped me recenter myself and find perspective/peace when it comes to the variety of shit that's been stressing me recently.
I still have moments where I question what the fuck I'm doing, but the good news is that I feel like I've had a productive last few weeks crystallizing an idea of who I want to be and what I want my future to look like. It won't be easy - of course it won't - but I at least now have a renewed enthusiasm to embrace the unknown and to settle into the uncomfortable, despite how much doing so goes against my nature.
I just don't have time to be scared or to feel unsure of myself. Who does? Saying "yes" has gotten me this far, and so far I've enjoyed a pretty successful career, long, loving relationships, and enough memories to fill hundreds of pages.
I'm looking forward to more "yes" experiences.
