Arctic Monkeys // Do I Wanna Know? 

If someone were to describe you in one word, what would it be? “Passionate,” “kind,” “hard-working,” and “ambitious” are common adjectives that come to mind. But when I think about leaving this world, about my body being reduced to dust leaving behind only traces of memories in the minds of those who once knew me, I think about how I’d like to be remembered for so much more than that. 

I’ve often been told that I’m intimidating. It’s a fair characterization. I am intimidating. I give everyone long, cold stares; I let my eyes burn holes in bodies from across the room. But as easy as it would be to write myself off as being cold and intimidating, I’d like to think of myself as something else altogether. 

If I could choose one word that I’d want people to describe me as, it would be disarming. I want to disarm you, to walk into a room and have my presence felt without needing to say a single word. I want the courage in your veins to dry up once we speak, I want to catch you so off guard that your usual sense of confidence falters when you’re around me. I want to drift in and out of your thoughts like a passing fog, to saturate your waking moments with images of me. I want you to drink me up in slow, savoring gulps and let it linger on your lips for the hours that follow. 

Beyond rhyme or reason, I want your body to respond to me in a way that’s inexplicable and unavoidable. 

Perhaps it’s this desire that makes this song resonate with me so much. There’s something visceral about it, a sound that’s both sensual and dark, that evokes images of questionable decisions and steamy nights. But perhaps that’s just the way I’d describe my interactions with others: a bit flirtatious, a bit dark, and always a bit visceral. 

–

So have you got the guts?
Been wondering if your heart’s still open and if so I wanna know what time it shuts
Simmer down and pucker up
I’m sorry to interrupt. It’s just I’m constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you
I don’t know if you feel the same as I do
But we could be together if you wanted to

2013.

I’ve been doing this silly survey every year for over a decade (with the exception of one year - 2010). 

Past years for reference (1/7/13 update: all the links below are back live!):

2012
2011
2009
2008
2007
2006
2005
2004
2003

1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?
I ran a couple 5ks, went to Miami, walked in the SF Pride Parade, started wearing glasses, shot an Airsoft gun, was published in Thought Catalog, got a couple tattoos, and successfully attempted a few different yoga poses. 

For some reason I don’t feel as positive about 2013 as I did 2012, but overall, it was a solid year. 

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I give you, verbatim straight from my journal, my 2013 goals: 

  • Open a CD account to save wedding funds: DID, but a high-interest Savings Account instead of a CD account. I seriously have a Savings Account specifically for my wedding, because I’m fucking crazy. 
  • Get in the fittest shape OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE: DID, but that wasn’t really a lofty goal, since I’ve never really been that fit to begin with. Any slight increase in exercise would have helped me get into the fittest shape of my life.
  • Open a new credit card and (responsibly) accrue credit: DID! My credit is badass. 
  • Get Invisalign: DIDN’T, because what-the-fuck-ever. 
  • Start dressing like a grown-up/like not a lazy slob: DID/DIDN’T. I definitely don’t dress as homeless as I used to, but I also definitely don’t dress like a grown-up. I think the way I dress has transitioned from lazy slob/homeless person to slutty gothic 90s vampire schoolgirl. I’ll dress like a grown-up when I’m 30. 
  • Travel twice (without needing to cut into savings): DID, KIND OF. I did travel twice. I did need to cut into my savings. So yeah, I did it kind of. 

My 2014 New Year’s resolutions:

  • Go to yoga at least 3x/week: I want to be doing handstands by the end of the year. Huzzah! 
  • Invest future wedding funds into mutual funds: Seems like the logical next step. I want my wedding to be straight unnecessary, because why not? 
  • Save more money/stop spending so much money on food: Every other month I go through, like, a 2-week period of feeling fat and poor. I want to stop doing that. 
  • Read more, write more: I feel like I’m slowly becoming illiterate, I read and write so infrequently these days. 
  • Create a new home/website for my blog: I need to be a big girl and get off Tumblr already. 
  • Be healthy. Be happy. Be not an asshole. Amen. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
The answer to this is finally yes! Jen! Woo, baby Claire! 

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No one “close” per se, but an alarming number of mutual friends/acquaintances passed away this year from unfortunate accidents.

Each death brought the concept of mortality to the forefront of my thoughts, and several times over the course of the year I found myself imagining how devastated I would be if Chris suddenly died (because for some reason, I tend to kill off my boyfriend in my fantasies). Chalk it up to my sick sense of morbidity, but it really made me love him more. The thought of life without him feels so empty and meaningless. 

5. What countries did you visit?
None. 

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
An apartment in LA with Chris. 

7. What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
To be honest, 2013 kind of flew by. There was no one day that sticks out as being particularly remarkable - I feel like I waded through the year, doing just the bare minimum to stay afloat. 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I’m pretty proud of all the weird yoga poses I successfully attempted this year. I’m also pretty happy that I finally got my writing on Thought Catalog after a couple of different attempts. 

9. What was your biggest failure?
I didn’t “create” nearly as much as I would have liked last year. I normally try to create a few collages or pieces of writing every year, but for one reason or another, I just didn’t set aside enough time in 2013 to do these things. I didn’t even finish a full journal, whereas I usually fill a journal every year.

It makes me uncomfortable, because these activities were such fundamental aspects of my life and my identity for so long, I hate feeling like I’ve been prioritizing work or other trivial shit in lieu of the creative endeavors that used to bring me pride and happiness. 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not especially. A cold here and there, but nothing out of the ordinary. 

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My tattoos. And dinner at Hinoki & the Bird. 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Pope Francis. I still don’t and will never identify as Catholic again, but I’m glad that the Catholic Church has finally elected a Pope to lead them into the modern age. 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber. I just hate them, really. 

14. Where did most of your money go?
Again, my stomach/taste buds. I may not eat cheaply, but I do eat mother fucking well. Also, to workout clothes, because Lululemon is heroin. 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Every single yoga pose that I was suddenly able to do, after previous failed or otherwise unsuccessful attempts. Clearly, I love yoga. 

16. What song will always remind you of 2013?
Disclosure - Latch, CHVRCHES - Recover, Daughter - Smother, The National - This Is The Last Time, Houses - Big Light 

God, my taste in music is fucking sad. 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
A little sadder. 

ii. thinner or fatter?
Fitter.

iii. richer or poorer?
Slightly richer, but responsibly so. 

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Reading. Writing. Chilling. 

I actually wish I’d spent more time alone last year. I feel like I was almost constantly on the move, traveling back and forth from SF to LA every month, going to shows, seeing friends, etc. Though I had a lot of fun, I really miss all the time I spent in 2011 and 2012 exploring San Francisco by myself, holing up for hours in cafes reading and writing, and spending entire days without speaking to anyone at all. I miss setting aside regular moments for self-reflection and allowing nostalgia to wash over me for extended periods of time. It’s like I didn’t even feel 2013, because I never had a free moment to appreciate it. 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Honestly? Spending money on food. This is a constant source of conflict - I just love eating delicious food! But I can’t keep spending all of my money on things that get expelled out of my body after a few hours! 

20. How did you spend Christmas?
On a couch. With my dog. Doing nothing. At one point I ate. It was spectacular. 

22. Did you fall in love in 2013?
Going strong in love since 2007. 

23. How many one night stands?
None. I’m too boring/mean to bring random strangers home with me. 

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad and Downton Abbey. 

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No. Hate is for angst-ridden teenagers and the ignorant. 

26. What was the best book you read?
Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls by David Sedaris, which wins by default, because it was the only book I read last year. 

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Daughter, Houses, CHVRCHES, and Germany Germany. 

28. What did you want and get?
What’s nice about having a disposable income is that I can now have most, if not all the things that I want.

That being said, I don’t really “want” a lot of material things. I did get a new yoga mat. It’s purple. I really like it. 

29. What did you want and not get?
A new apartment. But, this is something for 2014 me to deal with. 

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I really enjoyed Her. I also liked Stoker, because it was dark and so am I. 

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
On my actual birthday I had dinner at Hakka Restaurant with some of my favorite people. Then that weekend Chris came into town, we hung out with friends at Dear Mom, moseyed on over to Double Dutch for dancing, then finished the night at Elixir. I got pretty drunk, because that’s what 25-year olds are supposed to do, I think. 

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More time. 

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
I can’t get over how stupidly this question is phrased, but I guess this survey was created by presumably a 15-year old in 2003, so whatever.

In 2013 I continued to look how I always look: skinny jeans/leggings, boots, studded leather jacket and crosses. I also wore a lot of backless/sideless tank tops/dresses, because I’m a whore and my back is my favorite part of my body. There, I said it. 

34. What kept you sane?
Yoga. And Chris. Boyfriends are the best, because the good ones are basically unpaid therapists who pretend to be interested in what you’re saying. 

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you want the most?
The answer to this question will always be Ian Somerhalder. Because look at him: 

image

Smolder smolder smolder, I’m a sucker for brooding types. 

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The government shut down was pretty much a load of shit. 

37. Who did you miss?
I missed old friends and acquaintances who I grew apart from last year, but I suppose that’s just the nature of life - people move on. 

38. Who are cool new people you met?
I’m not confident I even meet new people these days. 

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013?
Being smart with your money (investing, saving, using credit responsibly, etc.) is incredibly gratifying. 

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

And if you’re in love, then you are the lucky one,
‘Cause most of us are bitter over someone.
Setting fire to our insides for fun,
To distract our hearts from ever missing them.
But I’m forever missing him.
- Daughter // Youth