April 2003

The Perfect Guy

captivating eyes (hey they are the windows to the soul right)
nice hair (hasn't that always been the case?)
accent's a plus ( ^_^ ) > they're just so hot
deep voice (I don't kno why but its just hot)
hot (expecting that weren't you)
taller than me (heh which shouldn't be too hard)
cute smile (I have nothing cute & witty to say)

... ok now that we've gotten past the shallow stuff, lets go a bit uh...wutever shall we?...

intelligent (don't wanna talk to a dumbass now do we)
sensitive (not a girly girl though)
patient (cuz I can be such a bitch)
sarcastic (because we're cool)
morally...uh...righteous (A.K.A. naughty boys = BAD)
talented (singing, dancing, acting WUTEVER just be good at something mmmk?)
common interests (...DUH!) ...although ya kno opposites attract. *wink*
romantic/sweet (*sigh* guys are so much hotter like that)
& for lack of a better word - NICE. (Or else someone's in for a bitch slappin)

February 2017

Love seemed a lot simpler when I was a kid. Elusive, but simpler.

When I was younger, relationships seemed difficult only because it seemed impossible for two people to like each other at the exact same time. Crushes were fleeting, and in my old journals, I would often lament how unfortunate it was that my old crushes would reciprocate only after I was over it. If only our attractions had lined up just right, love could have taken root and blossomed around us. Love seemed only a matter of timing.

But of course, my experience of love has not been as simple as that.

I’ve been in the Bay Area for the last few days, celebrating the birthdays of several of my closest friends from college and from my life in San Francisco. Over the course of the weekend two of my friends ended up getting engaged, and I soon realized - here I am, suddenly surrounded by a slew of married or newly engaged couples.

While I’m happy for and completely supportive of all of my friends as they take this next step in their relationships, I have to be honest - for a brief moment on Saturday I felt myself overcome with an unidentifiable kind of malaise. What was this feeling causing me to retreat into the bathroom with quiet tears? Was it sadness? Envy? Disappointment? Resentment?

I’ve since had some time to think about it, and I think what I realized is that while I’m in no rush to get to the altar, these engagements were somewhat sad reminders that my life didn’t turn out exactly the way I thought it would. For a long time - for years - I was confident that I knew exactly what the future held for me. It was going to be me and this person and we were going to be together forever, living our happily-ever-after over Sunday coffee and trips to the farmer’s market.

I’d built a whole future in my head, and I was so sure of it - there was no alternative. So yeah, it's a little sad when faced with the reality that sometimes things don’t turn out the way you expect them to.

It's not always easy, but I've been building a new kind of confidence these days, and crafting an image of my future that doesn't completely revolve around another person. While I continue to have brief moments of sadness, bits of melancholy that pierce through my day, I still feel secure in the decisions that led to this point and I know that love will flourish again - it may just look different than what I imagined before.