Wednesday, November 26, 2003
I’ll admit, last year I underwent a huge identity crisis. I copied everyone [in detail even] and I really was just lost as to who I was.
But sometime over the summer…I found me. I just stopped caring about what people thought and did what appealed to me. And that’s what I’ve been doing since. I guess you could say that I “found myself” which is kind of weird, because I never even knew that I was lost to begin with.
I wrote this in my journal when I was 15. It’s interesting because I wouldn’t say I’ve always been confident, but I have always been unapologetic about the things I’m interested in.
I try to love where I spend my time - from my hobbies to my relationships to my work. If I don’t love it - if it doesn’t add positivity and challenge and freshness to my life - then I don’t want it. I find everything I do genuinely interesting and enriching - yoga, pole dancing, reading, writing, art, mentoring, etc. And I try to surround myself with people who are equally driven, kind, and just trying to be slightly better versions of themselves every day.
Now at 34 it’s nice to look at the tapestry of me - all of the experiences, feelings, and interests woven into the fabric of my identity - and think yes, I like what I see. Yes, I am someone I can be proud of. Someone who is smart and fun and above all kind. Yes, this is exactly who I want to be.
In high school whenever I was having a really tough moment - fights with friends, ended relationships, etc. - I’d make a pro/con list summarizing all of the shitty as well as the positive things going on. I unknowingly have been reframing challenges and practicing gratitude since I was a teenager. I don’t have to make pro/con lists much these days, but if I were to, my “pro” list would look pretty long:
I have my partnership with Liam, who alone could take up paragraphs
I’m satisfied and happy with my physical appearance on more days than not (because I’ll never be happy every single day, but if I like how I look 90% of the time, that’s still pretty good)
I find meaning in my work - in my ability to lead and set an example for other people of color aspiring to be leaders in the corporate world
I feel adequately challenged by my hobbies, with more goals waiting around the corner
I also feel like I’ve only reached about 75% of my potential. Which is an exciting prospect - the belief and trust that I have further to go, a larger vision of my life I have yet to fully realize
I suppose the theme for this year’s birthday reflection is that of self-love. May we all have moments where we turn inward and decide -
Yes, I am someone I can be proud of. Yes, this is exactly who I want to be.