1. Before clicking ‘Send’ on your message, ask yourself, would I talk like this/say this in real life? If the answer is “No,” then you probably shouldn’t send it, because you probably sound like a fucking weirdo and/or an asshole.

2. “What did you think of my pics and profile?” is basically the same thing as asking, “Did you like when I did XYZ?” post-coitus. Not only is it awkward and invasive, but it also showcases your raging insecurity and need for validation. Plus, the likelihood you’ll receive a positive response after either question is somewhere around the ballpark of 0%.

3. Would you ask someone you just met at a bar, “So with how many guys have you been in bed?” If the answer is yes, then you’re a fucking creep and should not be allowed to date anyone. If the answer is no, then don’t fucking ask! Again people, this goes back to #1, let’s have some common sense here.

4. “Congratulations, you came up in my list of matches!” is probably not the best way to initiate a conversation, even if done in jest. Trying too hard - you’re doing it.

5. Finally, and this is my biggest pet peeve, if you message someone and see that they’ve visited your profile without messaging you back, don’t proceed to send a follow up message saying something along the lines of, “Not even a hi?” or “Not your cup of tea?” The fuck. You think you can guilt me into replying and stroking your ego? GUESS AGAIN, JERKOFF.

If there’s one thing that OkCupid has taught me, it’s that there are men out there who are just really, really, embarrassingly poor at communication. I suppose this works both ways (I have received one message from a girl saying that I was “prittiful” and that she would do “naughty things” to me even though my profile clearly says I’m interested in men), and maybe it’s a little bitchy of me to direct quote the messages I’ve received, but come on. It’s exchanges like these that make people think the online dating world is full of socially awkward virgins and hedonists, and I’d like to think I’m neither of these things.

…well at least not the former.