I'm a really unsuccessful online dater.

In my time living in San Francisco, I’ve tried out a handful of online dating sites and apps. I’ve activated and deactivated my OkCupid account at least 3 times, went on a Grouper date, and have played around on Tinder, Hinge, DuoDater, and god knows what else. The only conclusion I can come to based on my brief forays into the world of online dating is that I’m really just too fucking intense to do this shit successfully. 

As one who has consistently written in a journal for almost two decades, I spend a lot of time thinking about my interactions with people and the way that I intentionally, or unintentionally, carry myself around others. In the moment, I often default to exchanging sentiments that are sarcastic, crass, or almost chronically apathetic. So I spend a lot of time attempting to define and articulate the manner in which I approach interpersonal relationships; I regularly dissect my conversations and consider how my words might cause me to be perceived in a certain light. I know I’m not a bad person, and those who get to know me on any level of familiarity know that I actually emit more warmth than my typically cold demeanor would initially suggest. It’s just that sometimes I feel as if my entire personality is the product of years of careful calculations. And I feel like it’s this consciousness, this aggressive overdiagnosis of my character, that causes me to be completely useless when it comes to flirting with someone over the internet. I seriously find it fucking impossible. 

I mean, fuck. Did you just read all that? Do I sound like a fun, sunshine kind of person who would be a joy to go on a first date with? I’m too skilled at describing myself. I reveal too much. Overconfidence and aggressive self-awareness coats everything I write. While I like to consider myself pretty pro at flirting IRL, I think my general intensity renders me completely incapable of replicating this effect online, because everything I say just kind of sounds bitchy and narcissistic. But when you write about yourself as often as I do, it’s a struggle to not occasionally sound bitchy and narcissistic. 

I guess what I’m trying to hint at is that I think I might be too intimidating for online dating. But maybe that’s giving myself too much credit. I guess I could just be ugly.