Thoughts on something.

Every now and then I sit and take some time to identify the “lacks” in my life. 

Usually I find it simple to classify and address the unhappiness in my life, as I bucket my feelings into sections like, “work stress,” “dating stress,” “anxiety over eating/exercise habits,” etc. From there it’s easy to move forward - I power through major projects and breathe deep, heavy sighs of relief after their deadlines have passed, I confront or walk away from stressful presences in my life, and I make more time to invest in my health. I regard my unhappiness as a symptom to be treated. 

But of course life isn’t always so cut and dry, and sometimes I just find myself lacking something. An indefinable, nebulous something - this intangible obstacle to my happiness that I just can’t identify. 

Recently there have been spaces in my life that I have tried to fill with this impalpable something. I’ve been trying to go to yoga more, trying to eat healthy more often, trying to write more, trying to create more. I’ve invested in material things as a form of retail therapy, I’ve gone out of my way to explore more parts of San Francisco, I’ve gone out of my way to go out more period. 

Yet it nags at me, this something, this missing element. 

However, I’ve considered that perhaps this is just the drive that exists within me towards constant self-improvement and self-editing. Perhaps this something is just the pursuit of the next version of myself - the one that exercises everyday and creates everyday and writes everyday and connects with people everyday. 

And perhaps we are all just pursuing the better versions of ourselves. Versions that are healthy and happy and in love, who live and breathe and love so fully, so completely, that it’s difficult to imagine having ever been lesser people. 

Recently I have been searching for something - in my relationships, in my work, in my hobbies, and in the people around me. And while I hope to find it eventually, this elusive it that I can’t fully identify, perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad if I never did.