January 2017 / January 2001: An Introduction

Most people who know me know that I've been keeping a journal for just about 20 years. My journals inhabit a kind of sacred space in my life - they're my therapy, my outlet, my evidence that I existed, that this life happened. 

Now writing is, to some degree, an exercise in self-importance. I've amassed 28 physical journals over the years, and they're fun little reminders of my insecurities, my angst, my cruelty, my overconfidence. I sometimes wonder what will happen to these when I die, who will tend to these volumes of me. 

So I thought, fuck it. Perhaps the statue of limitations of embarrassment has run out. Perhaps it would be fun to share the bullshit thoughts of my younger selves. 

Starting today, I'm going to be blogging regularly with insights and observations from present-day me and offer, in contrast, insights and observations from child/teenage me. And, spoiler alert, child/teenage me was a little cunt. 

I've always been a bit of an over-sharer - when it comes to giving more or less details, I always choose more. But I feel like this is how I like to connect with people - it's my hope that in sharing the most vulnerable parts of me, others will feel comfortable doing the same. And couldn't we all afford to be a little less guarded and a little more vulnerable in our relationships with each other? Wouldn't that be more fun?

January 2001, in which I'm 12 and already an expert at throwing shade. 

Next topic, the spelling bee. KC was alternate and it was me, brainiac, and MMM competin. I'll cut to the exciting point. It was between me and brainiac and then I spelled "ABATEMENT" wrong. Can you believe Sarah spelled "irreplaceable" wrong? Geez! How low can you get against a 5 grader who spelled it right!

Next topic is mine n KC's movie date. Me, Andrew, KC, and Bette (who which might I add has been a b**** to us lately) all went to the movies alone...Well you won't believe what happened next. While we were waiting outside Kristel came up wid Jazz her boyfriend (lol). She's all like I knew it you ditched me I'm not gonna talk at school anymore. I was like oh ouch that hurts I don't get the priviledge to talk to a 6 grader anymore. 

Well that night I joined Calvin's class for Hip Hop. It was a lot of fun but I'm still so sore to this very moment. Eventually Kristel gave in and said sorry. She's also gonna join Calvins class. If I could barely handle it what makes her think she can do it. She sucks crap! 

Well I cut my hair. Am I a babe or what! 

- Kristine

Women's March LA 2017

What an incredible day - the first in which I actually felt some glimmer of hope since November 8. 

The energy today in downtown LA was electric, with 750,000 like-minded people marching peacefully together towards a common good. Signs and bodies filled the streets, proffering messages of love, hope, and fearless opposition. 

Let the resistance begin. 

Austin and the Year Ahead

It's funny. After spending the past 2.5 years almost constantly traveling, I was convinced that by the time my funemployment rolled around, I would be ready and willing to throw my suitcase into storage and say goodbye to boarding passes, at least temporarily. 

This has not been the case. I've continued to travel almost every month, logging Santa Barbara in October, New York in November, and during a quick trip to SF in December, I allowed myself to be (easily) convinced to take a semi-spontaneous trip to Austin with Ramsey right after the New Year. 

Our goals for the trip were simple: eat at Franklin's and be sluts. Being slutty has never been my forte, but eating difficult-to-obtain-food is one of my shining talents. We easily got Franklin's out of the way on the first morning of our trip, waiting only a comfortable 2.5 hours before being rewarded with 1.5 lbs of the best barbecue I've ever had. 

The rest of our time in Austin is a blur of freezing temperatures, breakfast tacos, shots, and dancing from one ratchet hip-hop bar to the next. Considering how we arrived in Austin with no plans except barbecue, the trip was a blast and gave us the opportunity to connect with old friends and get our fill of some of the best food Austin has to offer. 

Now this is a little bit of a digression, but bear with me: New Year's is one of my favorite holidays. It represents a kind of collective optimism and determination for the year ahead, and one of my favorite parts of NYE is getting fucked up with the people I love and counting down to the new year with a room full of strangers, everyone sharing in this energy and hopefulness that the coming year will be better than the last.

Every year, I've had at least a vague idea of what the year ahead had in store - whether school or continuing the job grind or traveling, etc. But this is the first year in a while where I really have no expectations or ideas of what comes next. I have no plans. This trip was one of my first spontaneous decisions for the year, and perhaps a harbinger of more spontaneous decisions to come. I'm learning how to live a little more spontaneously, a little less controlled, and if the success of this trip is any indication, I'm sure the rest of the year will have more positive surprises in store. 

Below are some pictures I took during the trip (killing two New Year's resolutions with one stone, what what). 

2016 - It's Been Weird

This is my 13th year doing this survey, and it's become an annual tradition I look forward to every year. While 2016 was pretty shitty for the world, it actually wasn't so terrible for me. Kind of weird, slightly transformative, mostly unexpected. 

Let's look back at this shit. 

Past years for reference:

2015
2014
2013
2012
2011
2009
2008
2007
2006
2005
2004
2003

1. What did you do in 2016 that you’d never done before?
I went to Big Sur, Portland, Maui, Malibu, and Santa Barbara. I went on a yoga retreat and held a handstand for more than a few seconds. I took a trapeze class and squat my body weight. I bought a real ass leather jacket. I got three tattoos somewhat spontaneously. I rode in a boat along the Venice canals. I purchased personal training and was willfully unemployed for a few months (RIP my bank account). I started doing contract work. I dated casually. 

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
My 2016 goals:

  • Stop using Jojo as a mental excuse for not working out, going out, being productive, etc. Success. I've definitely made strides this year in terms of not making excuses for myself and holding myself more accountable about going out and getting shit done. I still have brief moments of anxiety that I'm not doing enough, but they're fewer and further between. 
  • Follow through. Mother-fucking-success, my friend game was strong this year. 
  • Gain expertise in a new hobby. Yeah, this didn't happen. I used my camera a bit, made a few collages and opened Photoshop a few times, but I definitely didn't gain expertise (or competency) in anything new this year. 
  • Develop weekly grocery habit. I kinda did this! But later in the year, during my funemployment, out of financial necessity. Honestly, I did a pretty good fucking job this year with my resolutions, go me. 

My 2017 goals:

  • See a side project through to fruition. I want to commit to a more specific project next year vs. having these broad, overarching goals (i.e. "learn photography," "learn graphic design," etc.) that can be mentally intimidating to tackle. Something like committing to taking photos on my camera during my travels and posting a photo blog recap after each trip. Or committing to blogging at least once a week. Something tangible and specific that I can make myself accountable to follow through on.  
  • Stop playing games. I mean this literally*, as in, I waste so much fucking time playing silly puzzle games on my phone. It's been a problem of mine since...basically childhood (except back then, I would multi-task playing minesweeper on my computer while simultaneously browsing the web and carrying on several phone conversations). Playing games eats up hours of my time, and it also prevents me from being fully present, whether when in the company of others or when watching some TV show or movie. Ultimately, being more present is really the main goal here.

*Though I would also like to stop playing games in the dating realm as well. Ain't nobody got time for that

  • Stop being selfish about food, and other weird character flaws. Most of the people close to me know that I'm really fucking weird when it comes to my food. For one thing, I eat everything with a knife and fork (yes, this includes shitty Domino's pizza and chicken wings). But the weirdest thing that I do is mentally appraise everything I'm about to eat and calculate in advance what specific bites of food I want to eat next and what I want to save for last, so that when it comes to sharing food, I get anxiety if people try to grab a bite of something I've already claimed in my head for myself. That, and even though I physically can't eat very much, I also tend to worry when eating family style meals if I'll get enough food, even though I always do and usually tend to get more food than I actually need. It is fucking. Crazy. Trying to be a normal person in 2017. 
  • Maintain grocery/exercise habit. I've done a really good job maintaining both of these the last 3 months. Don't fuck it up, self. 
  • Set aside time to give back on a monthly basis. Volunteering was always one of those things I wrote off for a version of me that had "more time." When I finally had more time during my funemployment, I started volunteering at L.A. Kitchen doing food prep, and it was a really awesome experience. Especially with the clusterfuck of today's political atmosphere, I'd really like to take the time to be more socially conscious and a more active participant in my local community. 
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Why I Write

I write during the edges of the day, when the hours of today peel back revealing tomorrow, when the midnight sky hangs heavy like a blanket. I write in the quietest, deadest hours of the night, when everything is silent except for the whir of unfinished sentences dancing in my head. The thickness of words takes up space in my room. 

I write in the in-between moments - while in flight heading to a new destination, while waiting for my entree at a restaurant, and in the minutes that exist between coming and going, between arriving and leaving. My mind fills any empty space with paragraphs and prose.

I write in the corners of myself, following the path from one life experience as it curves into the next. I write during periods of transition, putting observations to paper like a curious spectator watching myself from the outside. I write to bring definition to the collection of moments that comprise my days, to give them shape and imbue them with meaning. 

I write because it's cheaper than therapy and more lasting than substances. I write because it's cathartic. I write simply because.