I flew into SF last Thursday, flew out of San Jose yesterday, I fly to NYC today from LA, and on Friday I fly back to LA from DC. Then I'll have about a 5-day window until I'm back on another flight headed to Austin, where I have 12 lbs. of pre-ordered Franklin Barbecue and another reunion of close friends waiting for me.
This past month has been a whirlwind and the next several months are shaping to be equally crazy, and you know? I kind of love it. Because I'm not feeling depressed anymore.
It's actually a bit ridiculous - Daylight Savings Time started and my depression ended, like a switch that flipped overnight with the clocks. Recently I've been thinking about finally going to therapy, because in the throes of depression I always find myself questioning - am I really depressed or am I just being dramatic? Is this normal? What is "normal," and what does it feel like?
When the depression subsides I remember what my "normal" state is. I'm confident, I'm charming, and I'm effortless in my interactions. I don't feel the heaviness of inexplicable melancholy weighing on me. My depression is palpable, visible, it sits in me and poses for pictures. It's actually interesting to be able to tell from the pictures from this past weekend that I'm genuinely happy - there's an authenticity in my smile, a warmth in my eyes.
Anyways, I don't mean to use this space to constantly talk about my ~feelings~, but that's just kind of the place I'm at in my life. I'm recognizing that my emotional state is something that I have to be constantly mindful of, especially around this time of the year (my last bad depressive phase also happened around January-March last year).
But similar to April of last year, some things have popped up recently that are exciting and fresh and I'm reminded of how fun it is to be filled with anticipation. The electricity of new people, new experiences. My appetite is whet with the newness of things to come.