I started making collages for my journals back in 2007, and they’ve kind of turned into vision boards/reflections of how I’m feeling at a given point in time. While making this journal I thought a lot about the stability I’ve gained over the last few years and found myself questioning - what comes next?
I’ve gotten to a place at work where I no longer feel the weight of imposter syndrome, and while I feel satisfied and happy with my job, I also can’t help but feel like there’s more I could be doing. Granted, this feeling is pervasive in all areas of my life and it’s something I wrestle with often, but recently I’ve been grappling with a kind of existential anxiety - a feeling that was exacerbated following the tragedy this past weekend.
I’m not a sports fan and I didn’t follow Kobe’s career, but his legacy and impact is indisputable. I understand there was controversy around him, and I don’t dismiss that. Humans are complicated, complex beings and we make mistakes, but I think there’s merit in acknowledging and learning from our mistakes and always striving to be better versions of ourselves, which I think Kobe did. I read an article today on how he cared about inspiring others, not in a self-serving way, but rather he cared about passing on knowledge he’d learned to inspire others to push themselves. To discover the edges of their own greatness. And it’s made me think a lot about the ripples we leave in people’s lives, including my own.
Another death that profoundly affected me recently was that of a childhood friend of mine, Tim. Growing up Tim was one of the kindest, most selfless people I knew who always put the needs of others before himself, and that’s also how he died - while in service to others. After his death there was an outpouring of love and support from all the communities he touched, and it was humbling to see. He was such an unassuming person, but his warmth was unforgettable. I think about his legacy too, how as a high school teacher he inspired a generation of students to emulate his kindness, sincerity, and generosity, as well as his belief in the innate goodness of others.
When death takes people much sooner than expected - good people, kind people, people who cared about giving back and doing right by others - it can feel a little defeating. Who remains? Who will carry on their work, their legacy? In a society that feels increasingly disconnected and self-serving, the loss of anyone who loved and who cared for others feels like a huge one.
I don’t know what’s next for me, but I do feel like there’s something more out there, which I want to dedicate this journal to exploring. How can I lead an inspiring life, one that I’m proud of and that galvanizes others to also aspire for more? How can I be kinder and more generous with my time and resources, and ensure that the imprint I leave behind on this world is a positive one?
It’s unfortunate that it’s often following tragedy that we’re led to contemplate the impermanence of time and of our place in this world, but I’d like to think that it’s never too late to change, to form deeper connections with the people and communities around us, and to blossom into better, more compassionate versions of ourselves.
My heart goes out to the friends and families of all of those affected by these losses - may the legacies of their loved ones live on in all of us. 🌷