It’s my favorite time of year! Time for my annual New Year’s survey, MY 16TH YEAR of doing this.
I’ve been journaling for over 20 years and tend to be a pretty nostalgic person as a result, so in preparation for this I read my responses to this survey going back to 2011. The biggest thing that struck me is how clearly depressed I was for several years. It’s so palpable in my writing - a coldness, a malaise. A hesitance to be completely open and honest. In 2014 and 2015 I talk most explicitly about my depression, but even in the years preceding I sound so unhappy with my choices, my lack of direction, my weight gain, and my stagnation.
Over the last 4 years I’ve seen a steady increase in my happiness and improved mental health, and most notably they’ve been the years where I’ve worked the most intensely on myself - quitting my job, testing the dating waters, investing in hobbies, building trust in my competence and abilities, going to therapy.
While it can be such a cliche to say that you have to “do the work” in order to know who you are and what you want, to be able to accept love in a healthy relationship, and ultimately to be happy, it’s also absolutely true. I’ve spent half of this decade doing the work and I recognize now that “the work” is not finite - I am a constantly evolving, constantly changing organism and there are always areas for improvement, but through experience, I feel much better equipped to address and welcome new changes into my life as they come.
Let’s look back at 2019!
Past years for reference:
2018
2017
2016
2015
2014
2013
2012
2011
2009
2008
2007
2006
2005
2004
2003
1. What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before?
I went to Batanes and Palawan in the Philippines, to the Cook Islands, to Guerneville, and kind of went to South Korea via a long layover. I saw a basketball game at the Staples Center. I went to a screening (of Wiz Khalifa’s new show on Apple TV - so ~Hollywood~). I helped produce a short pole-themed video series with Liam (which are all on Liam’s IG and you should watch all of them). I competed at a pole competition (PSO Nationals) and won first place! I moved in with a partner and achieved previously unknown levels of happiness via nesting. I also did a zombie press into a handstand, as well as many other pole tricks, too innumerable to name.
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
My 2019 goals:
Be kinder and more responsible with my body. Did, or at least tried to, and this was a huge theme of last year. I recognize that my body is aging and won’t recover as quickly as it used to, so this year I tried to be a lot more mindful of resting when I was feeling strained. I also started to foam roll regularly, signed up for monthly sports massages, saw a chiropractor, went to physical therapy while I was training for Nationals, and I just got a Hypervolt for Christmas. Trying to get as much mileage out of this body while I can.
Maintain a regular meditation practice. Ugh, totally fucking failed this one, and I definitely felt it this year. I’ve noticed that I was more stressed and anxious this year over things that didn’t bother me as much last year, and I do think it’s because I’ve worn myself out running around from one thing to the next and leaving little time to just sit in stillness.
Volunteer at least once a quarter. Ugh, also failed. First I was just too busy poling and then I was busy traveling and then I was busy moving and being ~in love~ that I just didn’t make time for this regularly.
Compete or perform publicly on pole. DID, AND I WON FIRST PLACE. It was super intense and also bittersweet, but I’m really proud of what I accomplished. While I can’t say confidently that I’ll ever compete again, I definitely want to perform again. What can I say, I’m a Leo, I love the spotlight. 😈
Get my finances back in fucking order. Halfway did. I hired a financial advisor and I cleaned up a lot of my accounts/made a plan to pay down my debt, but I still have work to do as far as creating a budget and actually sticking to it.
Finish my bedroom. Did! Actually more than did, because Liam and I moved in together and we basically furnished and decorated our entire fucking apartment, including framing and hanging the art that I’ve had sitting in the corner of my bedroom for years. Nesting is so much fun, by the way, I feel like I’ve been wanting to do this for years, so to finally be living it is incredibly satisfying.
My 2020 goals:
Maintain a regular meditation practice: I’m putting this first to emphasize its level of importance to me. I was happier and much more stable when I was meditating regularly, and I want to get back to that. I also think I need to be less hard on myself that I’m unable to sit in stillness by myself and try doing guided meditations next year.
Explore side hustle opportunities: While I actually really like my job and get a lot of satisfaction out of it, I’m interested in exploring other avenues to make money or monetize my skills/interests. I feel like the traditional career path - college education -> internship -> salaried job - is no longer necessarily the norm, and I’m curious to see what I can build for myself, since I also don’t see myself working in the corporate world forever.
Live within a budget: This is pathetic, but I’ve basically never successfully done this. I live pretty much exactly within my means, and while I have money put away for retirement and in savings, I know that I can and should be a lot more aggressive with my financial health.
Consume more responsibly: This is in relation to a few different things - I tend to be really indulgent in all areas of my life, and I’d like to be better at saying no to myself and moderating my eating habits (i.e. eat less meat and commit to eating only grass-fed, pasture-raised meat and dairy), my drinking habits (i.e. drinking only on weekends and only a couple times a month), and my purchasing decisions (i.e. I have SO MANY fucking pole clothes and yoga clothes, I could do without buying any more for at least the next 6 months). I’m also trying to be conscious of my environmental footprint, reducing my use of single-use plastics, and just generally doing what I can to be a good citizen of the world.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, but ask me again next year!
4. Did anyone close to you die?
In 16 years, this is the first time that I’m unfortunately able to say yes. 2 weeks ago a childhood friend of mine, Tim, passed away in an accident. He was an experienced search and rescue volunteer and he died after a horrific fall while searching for a missing hiker in Mt. Baldy.
While I hadn’t seen or spoken to Tim in over 10 years, we went to school together from basically K-12 and he was my first and my longest crush, arguably the foundation of my attraction to tall, handsome, and very sincere white boys. I still find myself overcome with emotion when I think about him, in a visceral way that catches me completely off guard, but I suppose on some deep, subconscious level those feelings never go away.
I have a lot more to say about this, better saved for another time. RIP Tim. You’ll be missed.
5. What countries did you visit?
The Philippines, South Korea (for a long layover en route to the Philippines) and the Cook Islands.
6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?
A budget. A side hustle.
7. What date from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 13 - Liam’s and my move-in day! Or August 10, when I competed at Nationals.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
My job life was pretty lit this year and I’m really proud of the stability I’ve gained at work. Also, placing first in Exotic Level 2 at PSO Nationals!
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not making the time to meditate or volunteer.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
When I was training for Nationals I started having issues with the mobility in my knees, but that’s since gone away. No major illnesses or injuries otherwise.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Basically all of the new furniture and decorations we got for our new apartment. I *love* our place, it feels the most like home of anywhere I’ve lived. 😊
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Anyone who made an effort to show kindness and compassion to other people. I feel like we’re so inundated with bad news these days that it becomes uncomfortably easy to see only the worst in humanity. In 2020 I want to make more of a conscious effort to choose to consume uplifting and optimistic news, which I started with Obama’s Year in Hope review.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Literally all of politics. I can’t really follow it anymore because it’s exhausting feeling helpless and witness to divisive and inflexible points-of-view on either side of the political spectrum.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Pole and our new apartment. But, you know, WORTH IT.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Moving in! Traveling with Liam! Placing 1st at Nationals!
16. What song will always remind you of 2019?
Moglebaum - Animal, Thom Yorke - Dawn Chorus, Lescop - La Foret, Uppermost - Open Hearts
17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
I’ve been pretty happy the last few years, but I might be just a teensy bit happier this year.
ii. thinner or fatter?
I was super lean this time last year so I’m maybe a teensy bit fatter, but also stronger and more muscular.
iii. richer or poorer?
Slightly richer.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
As mentioned already, meditating and volunteering. I also wish I wrote in my journal more - kind of fell off the wagon this year.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Spending the first few hours of my morning in bed and on my phone, which is such a time waste. There was a point in time when I had a rule for myself that I wouldn’t look at my phone until after getting out of bed and getting ready for the day, and I’d like to get back to that routine.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
This answer never changes - always with my family, marathoning Christmas movies, though this year we also sprinkled in other nostalgic movies on Disney+. Always a chill time.
22. Did you fall in love in 2019?
Madly, yet stably. With Liam I laugh harder and smile wider - big, toothy, open-mouthed grins like this one, and everyday I’m grateful for the love that we share.
23. How many one night stands?
None. No need for one night stands when you share a bed with the hottest snack in town. 😋
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Euphoria, The Great British Baking Show (Liam and I binge watched basically the entire show this year), Killing Eve, and the Mandalorian (even though the middle of the season was kind of a dud).
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nah, I’m a grown-up now
26. What was the best book you read?
Homegoing was beautiful, tough, but necessary.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
No one really. I listened mostly to artists I already knew this year, and while I did enjoy songs by OTR and Tourist, I can’t say I’d go to one of their shows.
28. What did you want and get?
An apartment with Liam and literally all of the furniture and decorations we wanted (it’s actually outrageous). 8-inch thigh-high boots for pole, and, like, even more strappy pole clothes (I need a pole clothes purchasing detox for at least the next 6 months). Oh, and a Hypervolt for Christmas!
29. What did you want and not get?
Nothing really. Everything I didn’t get last year, like a pole for our apartment, I’ll probably get this year because that’s the kind of person I am.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Booksmart was HILARIOUS and I LOVED Ready or Not and Jojo Rabbit. I also liked John Wick 3 and thought Parasite and Honey Boy were excellent.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Nothing crazy this year - I was still having some feels about my competition on my birthday and wasn’t in the best mood that day. But Liam planned dinner with my friends at Birdie G’s, which was delicious, and then surprised me with my favorite cake from Lady M and then all saltiness melted away. I turned 31.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Probably meditating and practicing more yoga.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2019?
About the same - still black, still borderline slutty, maybe a little more gothy. I leaned more into my love of chains and harnesses this year, and I really love that people have just come to expect this from me now even in professional settings.
34. What kept you sane?
I said this last year but it’s still true: my workout routines, my friends, but most of all therapy
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you want the most?
Honestly, no one. See above comment, on literally sharing a bed with this literal snack.
…or maybe Geralt of Rivia. 🙈🙊
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I still only keep up with politics at the very bare minimum, because I find our political institutions fruitless and frustrating. Not even impeachment could cheer me up when we still have trash like McConnell in office and completely unqualified judges appointed to lifetime terms. Like I said, next year I want to focus on optimistic news.
37. Who did you miss?
No one. Even though Liam and I were apart for chunks of the year while we were both traveling and I would miss him during those times, it doesn’t really feel like “missing” when you know you’re going to see that person again soon, the first opportunity you get.
38. Who are cool new people you met?
It’s been fun splitting time between Liam’s and my friend groups and seeing how easily we’re able to fit into each other’s. I’ve also made a lot more pole friends this year!
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019?
I have two this year:
Do the thing that’s hard, the thing that scares you, because that’s how you grow and mitigate fear of change and the unknown.
You can’t expect people to know what you need or how you want to be treated. You have to do the deep inner work to figure out what that looks like or feels like for you and communicate what you need and/or want to others.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I want your love
And I want it bad
I just wanna treat you better
I just wanna treat you better
- RÜFÜS DU SOL - Treat You Better