I first read those words in “The Perks of Being a Wallflower,” when I was 16 and single and pining for a relationship. Over a decade later, my best friend would use similar language to reassure me that I was worthy and deserving of all the love that I desired, as I contended with the slow decline of a “situationship” that wasn’t going anywhere.
Today is Liam’s and my 3rd anniversary, and it is only now (with a ring on my finger) that I feel totally comfortable admitting that I spent the first year of our relationship insecure that this childhood dream crush of a man could be into me. Me, this 4’11” Filipino girl who looked nothing like the leggy models I usually saw on the arms of men who looked like him.
I remember feeling uncomfortable whenever he took pictures of me in the beginning. I felt self-conscious and afraid that if he were to share them, would people be surprised that this conventionally attractive man chose to be with me? Would they silently question the merits of our pairing and whether or not I deserved to be with him? I’ve never shared the pictures below, which Liam took after one of our early dates, because I think on a deep, subconscious level, I didn’t feel worthy of his gaze.
I know where the insecurity comes from. It stems from my high school experience of feeling lonely and unwanted while seemingly all of my peers matched up around me. It stems from a short-lived teenage romance that spanned only a few months, but created ripples of emotional trauma that left me feeling undesirable and unattractive. And if I’m being totally honest, it also stems from a lack of representation - growing up the media I consumed was inundated with tall, attractive, model-looking women dating other tall, attractive, model-looking men and it literally never occurred to me that perhaps “my type” could actually be interested in me until I started using dating apps.
This journal entry from 2005 pretty succinctly captures the limiting belief I’d cultivated since I was 16:
It’s frustrating knowing that I can never have him. Or any ‘him’s. Those one guys I actually desire. These things don’t work out like they do in movies with me. I’m just that small Asian girl who’s pretty, but not memorable. Smart, but not remarkable. Funny, but not hysterical.
I’m not the girl who gets the guy, but just once, I’d like to break the cycle. Just once out of a gajillion. I’d like to get the guy.
I know I joke a lot about Liam being “my favorite snack,” but it’s because on the flip side, I know that being with him has forced me to confront deep insecurities and negative self talk that I’ve harbored since adolescence. And it strikes me that my early insecurity was another form of imposter syndrome, as I questioned whether I had a right to this kind of love and mutual attraction. But like my experience overcoming imposter syndrome at work, I consciously chose to power through the discomfort until eventually the confidence I was faking turned into something real.
I’m grateful that through therapy and a ton of self-work that I’ve learned how to receive and accept Liam’s love, because it’s been so worth it. I’m 3 years into this big, earth-shaking, uncontainable love, and I can’t wait to see what forever has in store for us.
Love you, Liam. Happy anniversary. 💝
