I set a big goal for myself this year - to publish a new piece of writing weekly. While writing isn’t new to me, the act of doing it and sharing it weekly is, and last week I fell behind on my goal.

I don’t even have a good reason for it. Nothing dramatic happened that would set me off course emotionally, and work hasn’t been any busier than normal. I just lost my “new year, new me!” momentum, which I expected would happen eventually, but not so soon - only 4 weeks into 2022.

I’ve read that motivation is fleeting and that the real key to success is through discipline and consistency. Rationally, I know this, and I’m familiar with the concepts around making new habits stick. But in practice - it’s a fucking grind, especially for those of us who are eager to skip the uncomfortable beginner’s phase and jump straight to the point where we feel confident and competent.

I’ve struggled with being a beginner in every hobby I’ve picked up, and though I’m pretty proficient in yoga and pole now, it’s only because in the past I’ve pushed myself to the point of injury in pursuit of being better. I can’t help but see the improved version of myself around the corner, waiting for me to catch up to her.

It used to bother me that all I could ever see in myself was room for improvement, but I’ve been working on reframing this. Instead of, “I’m not good at this yet because I’m a beginner,” which lessens my power by assigning it beginner status, I’m now telling myself, “I am good at challenging myself and mustering the courage to say yes to this hard thing - even though I don’t always feel like it, and even though I’m scared or uncomfortable.”

So that’s kind of where I’m at right now. Acknowledging that I’m struggling to keep up with this goal, but choosing to take action in the hope/expectation that this too will get easier over time.