Liam and I had a disagreement on Friday. We were talking in the living room and getting ready to head out for dinner, when in the middle of his story I walked out of the room to grab socks. Almost immediately I heard him shout after at me, “Are you serious?”
For context, our house isn’t that big - it would have taken me seconds and I still would have been able to hear him in the next room. It’s also not uncommon for us to talk while moving between rooms, so I didn’t know what the fuck his problem was. I walked back to the living room, briskly apologized, and asked him to continue, but he bristled, said it was fine and that he didn’t want to talk about it anymore.
Now I’ve been with Liam long enough to know when things aren’t fine, and plus I was hangry, so I responded back, “Don’t say it’s fine if it’s not fine! Just tell me instead of being passive-aggressive!” To which he responded, “Ok, fine! Yes, it bothered me that you walked away when I was in the middle of telling you something! But I don’t want to talk about it now!”
A beat passed. I stood there silently as he tied his shoes, until eventually he looked up and with dripping sarcasm said to me, “Don’t you need to get socks?”
I left the room again and distinctly remember my inner monologue playing out - clearly he was feeling some big emotions and I’d missed it. So I could either hold on to my saltiness and give him the cold shoulder, or I could swallow my pride and admit fault. I chose the latter.
I came back and admitted that I shouldn’t have walked away in the middle of his story, but that it was because I didn’t know he was going through something and I was sorry I missed that. By that point Liam’s anger had also melted, and he admitted that the rollercoaster of emotions he was feeling also caught him by surprise - it had upset him when I walked away, but he acknowledged that I couldn’t have known what was happening. We hugged, made up, and had a great dinner.
I often think about how social media is a curation of the best parts of our lives. I wanted to share this is because I feel like I often just gush about Liam and our relationship, but we still go through our shit. We still have our petty moments. I don’t ever want it to seem like we found each other and everything was easy and just fell into place, because I don’t think that's realistic.
Liam and I have had many uncomfortable conversations in the time we’ve been together, about messy feelings and messy emotions, but these conversations have become easier over time. Here’s what I’ve noticed:
I have patterns of behavior when I’m really upset. First, I can feel my body physically tense up and I literally can’t speak. But I don’t hold onto anger, so the feeling always melts after a few hours. With Liam I’ve learned how to tell him when I’m pissed and just need time to gather and articulate my thoughts, so he doesn’t have to deal with me giving him the silent treatment.
If something’s on my mind and I’m avoiding talking about it, that means I have to talk about it. This has proven to be a fruitful exercise. Realizing this cue has led to so much forward momentum in our relationship - it’s what led to me asking Liam to post about me on social media (not going to front, my ego needed it) and broaching the subject of us moving in together, which were two scary, deeply uncomfortable topics at the time. Having Liam receive my requests and engage in meaningful conversation about them helped build a foundation of safety and trust between us.
Having an awareness and ability to name our emotions has been hugely important. After our disagreement, Liam and I chatted about everything that went through our minds during it. We realized how aware we were of our feelings as they were coming up, and yet, we still said some mean shit to each other. There’s probably some science behind this - when our bodies feel and react to an emotion faster than our brains are able to name it. However, it’s the ability to reflect and process in hindsight that helps us learn from our mistakes and move on.
Sometimes we just feel the way we feel. And our emotions are just totally inexplicable. We still occasionally have conversations that sound like this: “I feel blah and I don’t really know why, maybe it’s because of _____, or maybe it’s because of ______, I’m not sure but I just don’t feel good.” I used to think it was pointless talking about undefined feelings, but feeling seen and supported by someone when you feel completely illogical is also really comforting.
This is just what’s worked for us - two very emotional, sensitive humans - but I hope this is helpful in prompting you to analyze your behavior patterns and how you show up during uncomfortable conversations. How in tune do you feel with your emotions as they’re happening? Is there anything you’re not saying, to your partner or even to yourself? What would you need to feel safe?
I think we’re all capable of moving through conflict. It just requires empathy for ourselves and others.