For the past several years I’ve written a reflection on my birthday about who I am, where I’ve been, and where I’m going, and it’s my birthday today. 35 trips around the sun.
This is the first time I’ve had a deep feeling of existential dread leading into my birthday, which I think was caused by a number of things. Going to a music festival and feeling exhausted after only one day. Hearing about my mentees’ raucous weekends and reminiscing about the reckless weekends of my 20s. Working in marketing and realizing that I’m no longer part of the target demographic, can no longer be considered “young” by standard definitions. You know, shit that happens when you age.
I’ve grown a lot since I first started writing these reflections. I’ve pursued new hobbies and interests, advanced in my career, and settled down with a life partner. I’ve hit most of the major life milestones that seem impossibly far away when you’re young, like getting married or buying a house. I used to joke whenever someone asked whether I want kids that I can barely afford or take care of myself, let alone a baby. Now I’m on the other side of the joke, negotiating timing and a baby bucket list with my husband.
It’s wild, because I remember so vividly the girl I was in high school, wearing heavy black eyeliner and pining over some celebrity crush. I remember the college graduate who thought she would one day fulfill her dream of becoming a starving writer. I have spent so much of my life thinking that I’m young, that the future was miles away, that it now feels disconcerting to realize I’m not THAT young anymore.
It feels empowering too, though. To know that I carry the memories of all of my previous selves, that the experiences I’ve lived have made me the confident and capable person I am today.
We are imprinted with the lessons we’ve learned over the course of our lives. They’re our wrinkles, our graying hair, our changing preferences (I have much less patience for being in crowds than my younger self, for example). Signs that we have lived full lives and have wisdom to offer.
I know I’m not THAT old, just like I’m not THAT young. I’m somewhere in the middle, and I’m accepting that that’s a perfectly reasonable place to be for 35.