What it feels like to end a long-distance relationship.

You guys. You guys you guys you guys. Ending a long-distance relationship is a level of bliss I have never known before. 

I apologize for my extended absence. I moved to SoCal and then hopped on a flight to the Philippines and was on vacation for 2.5 weeks and have been mostly in my underwear working from home since getting back. 

Even though I’m still living at my parents’ house while my sister and I look for an apartment, and even though I’ve been living out of three extremely disheveled suitcases for the past month, I still feel like a sense of calm has settled over my life.

While I was still in San Francisco, I anticipated my move to LA with a mixture of excitement and hesitation. What if Chris and I had grown too far apart during the three years that we were long-distance? What if we’d become too accustomed to our independence and freedom, our ability to come and go and more or less do whatever the fuck we please? I moved to SoCal and three days later we were on a plane together, about to embark on a 2.5 week trip in which we would be spending 24 hours/day together. What if we were over each other and just didn’t know it? 

However, falling back into the routine of being together has been so easy, it’s as if we were never apart. It feels so simple, so right, as if I just stepped out to grab coffee and of course he would be there waiting for me once I got back. In the past month, we’ve spent as much time together as we have over the course of the past 8 months, and it’s been fucking wonderful. 

Now I split my time evenly between my parents’ house and Chris’ apartment in LA, driving back and forth across stretches of freeway as the what-feels-like-permanent sunshine beats against the windows of my car. Earlier this week I woke up in Chris’ bed and we got bagels for breakfast and I worked from his apartment and then went to yoga afterwards and he came home from work late and crawled back into bed with me at 3am, and it was perfect. It was perfect it was perfect it was perfect. 

But, anyways. While I have more to say on long-distance relationships, this feels like enough for now. How wonderful it is to be young and in love and in the same part of the state. 

How to survive a long-distance relationship.

As of this month, I have officially been in a long-distance relationship for 2 years. I have spent, over the past 2 years, the past 730 days, about 1/8th of this time with my boyfriend. The other 7/8ths of the time I’ve fought loneliness, I’ve woken up in other men’s beds, I’ve discovered yoga and other new interests, I’ve pursued personal goals, I’ve made new friendships while reinforcing old ones, and I’ve learned to live an entire life outside of him, parallel to him, with him. 

I can’t claim to have mastered the secret to living in a long-distance relationship, because there is no secret. It’s just work. As a student you study to learn, as an employee you train to advance, and as a significant other in a long-distance relationship you communicate, you focus, you persevere to stay in love. Hint: it’s easier when you’re already in love. 

For those in or considering getting into a long-distance relationship, some advice: 

Communicate everyday. A common fear when it comes to long-distance relationships is the fear of growing apart - of acquiring a whole new set of life experiences that exclude your significant other. This fear is real. People adapt. They move on. The passing of time ensures this inevitability. The trick is to communicate as much as possible, whether for seconds or hours at a time - via text, via IM, via phone calls, via Skype, via any of the numerous communication mediums that exist today - and to talk about everything, from events as significant as a promotion or raise at work, to the mundane, like deciding between apple varieties at the grocery store or seeing a new hairdresser. 

Distance inherently excludes you from each other’s lives. Communication bridges the gap. 

Be reasonable. You deserve a life. Your significant other does too. You both deserve friends and happy hours and raucous nights out and spontaneous daytime excursions and fun and laughter and more. People tend to do funny things when they’re lonely - they get jealous of experiences that don’t involve them, and resentful of memories that don’t include them. Don’t be that person. Go out and make your own memories. They’ll become great conversation fodder when you’re digging for new things to talk about. 

On that note, sometimes, when you’re in a long-distance relationship, you’re lonely and you probably haven’t had sex in a while and a cute stranger will brush past and make eye contact with you at a bar and you’ll interpret that as an invitation to make out and, basically, sometimes shit happens. Not for everyone, but consider a safety clause (and communicate the conditions of which VERY explicitly). Sometimes, and no couple is exempt from this whether long-distance or not, you’re attracted to other people. It happens. There are millions of beautiful, interesting people in the world, and sometimes, by chance, one of these people will be in a room with you while your significant other is not.

Being attracted to another person doesn’t make you a bad person. However, acting on this attraction without the express, explicit approval of your significant other can make you an asshole. If you think you can handle it, talk about this type of situation in advance and lay out specific ground rules. For example, third-party guests must be objectively uglier. Or they must be a visiting student from a foreign country with a Visa that’s about to expire. Or they must have an uncommon physical quirk, like a lisp or a missing hand. 

Finally, be honest, be in love. Being in love makes being in a long-distance relationship easy. If your love is effortless, if it branches and grows like ivy across a brownstone, reaching and settling into every nook and crevice, being in a long-distance relationship will be a breeze. 

So be honest with yourself and your significant other. Be in love. And if you’re not in love, then end it. This is how you survive a long-distance relationship.