2021 - Like the Universe, I Am Constantly Expanding

Time for my favorite ritual! My 18th annual New Year’s survey.

2021 was an abundant year for me - in love, wealth, and opportunity. I still sometimes feel guilty - who am I to have so much - but then I remember the shit I went through to get to this point.

Like many people, my 20s were a mess. I made messy choices, indulged in messy relationships, and had messy feelings about myself. And then in 2016-2017, I went through my Saturn return and hit one of my deepest lows - I was jobless, broke, depressed, and stuck in a situationship that I couldn’t see for what it was. Tired of how I was feeling, I made a series of choices that laid the groundwork for where I am today.

I took a spontaneous trip to Europe with a friend who would later help me buy my home. I did a Yoga Teacher Training, which was life-affirming and confidence-building and introduced me to one of my closest friends. I found a therapist and worked on reprogramming destructive thought patterns. I read a dating self-help book and met Liam weeks afterward. And I took up pole dancing, which helped me tap into and embrace my feminine energy and power.

I love reflecting on where I’ve been and how the choices I’ve made have created the path before me - a path that feels exciting and full of opportunity. And I can see some recurring themes in my choices: they all involved some level of risk or discomfort, encouraged me to question and confront long-held behaviors and beliefs, and had a price tag that I had to choose to see as an investment in myself. But without question, all of these investments have paid off.

Without further ado, here’s my 2021 in review.

Past years for reference:

2020
2019
2018
2017
2016
2015
2014
2013
2012
2011
2009
2008
2007
2006
2005
2004
2003

1. What did you do in 2021 that you’d never done before?
Wow, so much. I…

  • BOUGHT A MOTHER FUCKING HOUSE 🎉

  • Paid off all of my debt (which I needed to do, in order to get approved for the loan to buy our house)

  • Broke $200k+ in annual income, something my first-gen Filipino-American ass didn’t even think was possible

  • Started volunteering as a Mentor Coach for America Needs You, a nonprofit that addresses the professional development gap for first-generation college students

  • Did a bunch of nature-y things and went to Death Valley (LOVED), the Grand Canyon, Horseshoe Bend, Sedona, and Yosemite. Saw a couple bears. Also went backpacking for the first time with Liam’s family in Big Pine (lol, perhaps my one and only time backpacking)

  • Presented (virtually) to groups of 100+ people

  • Traveled to Asheville, NC and Colombia

  • Did the Berkeley Executive Coaching Institute and subsequently got paid for leadership coaching sessions

  • Opened a joint bank account with Liam

  • Started posting my writing and real shit about myself on LinkedIn, to bridge the divide between my personal and professional identities

  • Some other misc. stuff: held an Oscar, had my eyebrows ombre powdered, spent Christmas without my immediate family, and tried beef tongue (note to self: not a fan)

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
My 2021 goals:

  • Get a house: DID. Way faster than I thought we would too! We started looking at the beginning of 2021 and had an offer accepted within 2 weeks. Shout-out to Bee, our good friend and agent who deserves a shout-out every time we talk about our house, because we absolutely love it and wouldn’t own it if it wasn’t for her. 💖

  • Read at least 5 nonfiction/self-help books: Lol, didn’t, but I got close and read 3. I consumed self-help through both books and podcasts this past year, so I still feel good about my progress on this one.

  • Attend BECI. Mother fucking did! This was the one I was most iffy about achieving, because of the price tag and the time commitment. But once I made the decision to do it, everything fell into place - I took bold action and asked my company to pay for it, which they said yes to, and I adjusted my life priorities to make time for it. Sometimes you just have to leap and the net will catch you.

  • Invest in myself more for the long-term / save more than I spend. Wow, did I. Thanks to my brilliant and talented friend in beauty, Bekah, I saved A LOT on skincare, and I spent minimally on clothes this past year (compared to the ridiculous and wasteful amount of money I’ve spent on pole and yoga clothes in the past). It might be gauche to admit that I feel happy about my current wealth, but it’s taken a lot of personal development in financial literacy to get here, and I’m proud of how far I’ve come since college when I had a 600 credit score and maxed-out credit card.

  • Get back into shape. Lol, yes and no. I shed a good amount of the weight I’d gained in quarantine, but I wasn’t as responsible about my consumption as I’d hoped. Something to revisit next year.

My 2022 goals:

  • Throw the dopest wedding party ever without going over budget or overstressing. Emphasis on not overdoing it. I don’t want to fall prey to all the traditional wedding bells and whistles and expenses - I just want people to leave our wedding full of optimism and feeling like it was very “us.”

  • Start an S Corp (while staying at my current job). I’ve spent a lot of the past 2 years crafting a vision for my future, and I’ve got big dreams I want to start putting into motion next year.

  • Seriously revisit my diet and get out of the pre-diabetic zone. I cooked at home a lot when I was unemployed (by necessity), but I’ve fallen off the wagon in the past few years. I’d really like to be more intentional with my eating choices next year - because I want to be fit for our wedding, sure, but mostly because I don’t want to one day die of diabetes.

  • Publish new writing weekly. This is a huge fucking stretch goal for me. I’ve always aspired to write regularly, and I’d like to build off the momentum I gained last year and seriously take this on next year.

  • Invest in another personal development training. I love working on myself because I feel like there are no shortage of ways we can learn and grow as humans. Yoga Teacher Training and BECI were two deeply transformative experiences that opened up my world and sense of self, so I’d like to continue exploring formal personal development on an annual basis. Maybe the Positive Intelligence Program next year?

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Liam’s sister, Lyndsay, gave birth to her second kid, Jamie! He’s such a chill, smiley baby, he makes it seem like having a baby wouldn’t be so bad (this is the second year in a row I’ve said something like this, who am I). A few of our other friends too, this is life in your 30s.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, my Tito Ed, of COVID.

5. What countries did you visit?
Colombia! I’m actually filling this survey out in our cabana overlooking the lush mountainside of Marinilla.

6. What would you like to have in 2022 that you lacked in 2021?
An S Corp. And a writing side hustle. I don’t know what that will look like yet, but just putting it out there.

7. What date from 2021 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 18 - the day we closed escrow!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Wow, there are so many things I’m proud of this year. Getting promoted to EVP, hitting 100+ consecutive days of meditation, attending BECI, buying a house, starting an informal Filipino community within Edelman and growing participation to 38 people across 3 countries, and following through on multiple stretch goals: getting paid for coaching, publishing my writing on LinkedIn, and asking for a market review of my salary when I suspected I was being underpaid (which worked out positively for me - don’t be afraid to ask for your worth!).

I’ve had an abundant, expansive year, and I’m really excited to see what I’ll conquer next. 😌

9. What was your biggest failure?
Being unsuccessful with my diet and remaining in the pre-diabetic zone.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I pulled something in my glute while poling and it took months to recover, on top of ongoing recovery for my shoulder that dislocated. I’m fortunate to be in a position where I can invest in physical therapy monthly, because I’d have a lot more pain in my body if I didn’t (s/o to my PT Ariana at Myodetox!) I was also sick for a few days after getting my booster shot.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A house. No question. 🏡

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Me, because I did a fucking lot, I gave a fucking lot, and I feel really good about it all.

But so many people in my life crushed it last year and also deserve celebration. Liam got his first full-time job and finished his first short doc. My sister got paid to DJ for the first time. Another friend wrote a book. Another friend grew a business. Several friends underwent career changes. It’s inspiring being surrounded by people also looking to do big shit and pursue more fulfilling lives.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The unvaccinated who end up in the hospital and regret their choice. As well as the people who spread misinformation around the vaccines. At the end of the day I get that being vaccinated is a choice, it’s just sad when you hear stories of people who have regrets about that choice when faced with the worst consequences of COVID (but I know that not everyone regrets it, too).

14. Where did most of your money go?
So many things - to debt, to our house, to our wedding (and savings account for the wedding), to my retirement accounts/investments. Real adult shit, basically.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Wow, I sound like a broken record, but I was truly excited about all of my major achievements this year - buying our house, getting promoted, surpassing what I perceived to be the limit of my earning potential, attending BECI, etc. Plus, going to Colombia.

But you know, practicing gratitude and savoring is scientifically proven to increase your happiness levels, and I love reflecting on and savoring everything I have to be grateful for in this life. And doing what I can to share what I’ve learned and earned with others. Because yeah, there’s a lot of bullshit in the world, but as long as we each play our part in doing as little harm as possible, to ourselves and to others, that’s all we can really ask for.

16. What song will always remind you of 2021?
Agoria, STS, Glowal - Call Of the Wild, Donna Missal - Bothing’s Gonna Hurt You Baby, Elderbrook, Bob Moses - Inner Light, Lil Nas X’s INDUSTRY BABY and MONTERO (bc pop culture), Skrillex, Noisia, josh pan, Dylan Brady - Supersonic (My Existence), and basically everything from RUFUS’ latest album (especially Next to Me).

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
Happier. More satisfied and proud, for sure.

ii. thinner or fatter?
A little thinner I think, but could still be fitter.

iii. richer or poorer?
Richer. Honestly, I surpassed a lot of financial goals this year, and I’m now in uncharted territory - growing up, my parents made decent money but the idea of “wealth” has always been a foreign concept. I graduated from college fully expecting to be a starving writer, and I hit my income goals only a few years afterward. Everything I earn now is just icing on top, but if I’m going to keep earning, I would love to be able to pay off my family's debt and take care of my parents through their retirement (Liam’s parents too).

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Read maybe. And cook at home.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Eating sugar.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
I spent a couple of days with my family before Christmas and then flew up to SF on Christmas Eve to spend actual Christmas with Liam’s family. It was my first Christmas without my immediate family, but I love Liam’s family and I’m really excited to introduce new traditions into my life (like Christmas crackers and taking turns opening gifts one at a time instead of the free-for-all chaos my family and I usually engage in).

22. Did you fall in love in 2021?
Stayed in it. This is long-haul love. ❤️

23. How many one-night stands?
Still none! Hopefully for the rest of my life, which is easy when your fiancé looks like this…

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Loved Ted Lasso, Bridgerton (I have no shame - representation matters!), Parks and Rec (I know I’m late to the game but better late than never), Love Life, and Insecure. We also started watching Squid Games and enjoyed the episodes we watched, but we’re still pretty behind.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nah, that’s wasted energy.

26. What was the best book you read?
I enjoyed Professional Troublemaker by Luvvia Ajayi Jones, mostly because I read it during a period when I was looking for inspiration to take bold action. This might be nerdy, but I also enjoyed The Trusted Advisor, which was assigned as part of BECI, because it really helped level up my leadership and relationship management skills.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I’ve been really into ford. the last couple of years. Other than that, I don’t really spend time discovering new music anymore (I rely on my sister for that)

28. What did you want and get?
A house. A beautiful wedding venue and talented wedding photographer.

29. What did you want and not get?
Nothing - but philosophically it might be because I’ve always tried to practice gratitude for what I have rather than waste energy thinking about what I don’t have.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I loved A Promising Young Woman. I also enjoyed Don’t Look Up, Nobody, and Nomadland.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Liam and I hosted a joint engagement/housewarming/birthday party at our place. It was at times overwhelming/overstimulating playing host to so many guests, but it was mostly heartwarming to have all of our friends come out to spend time and celebrate us. I turned 33 (I have to say, I always thought my 30s would be fun and they have not disappointed).

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Nothing. I am fully satisfied by this year.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2021?
Even MORE black if you can believe it - I’m now in the process of replacing all of my old Victoria’s Secret underwear with black underwear from Parade, because I like that the brand is socially conscious and inclusive and was founded by a 24-year old Latina. I also finally upgraded to Dr. Martens and I don’t know what took me so long, I’m OBSESSED.

My style is still pretty edgy and revealing (I showed my dad my wedding dress and he immediately joked, “wow that’s a lot of fabric for you”), but perhaps what I’m most proud of is the progress I’ve made in maintaining it while being a leader in corporate America. Because if I can wear mesh and harnesses to work and still get my job done and done well, then fuck it - this is how I choose to show up as a leader.

34. What kept you sane?
Writing, gratitude, meditation, savoring.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you want the most?
No one. I want my fiancé the most. 💚

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Lol, the constantly changing COVID/vaccination/masking requirements are a lot to stay on top of, but I suppose we all just have to make choices according to what we feel is responsible, minimizes harm to ourselves and others, and allows us to live our lives. For me, that’s involved getting vaccinated, masking in public, and getting tested whenever I’ve felt sick, but I’m otherwise back to living a “normal” life.

37. Who did you miss?
My friends in SF and NYC that I haven’t really been able to see since the pandemic.

38. Who are cool new people you met?
Everyone I’ve met through BECI and ANY, my biz coach Laura, other coworkers-turned-friends, etc.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2021?
If you want something, ask for it. The worst thing that could happen is for someone to say no, the best thing that could happen is that you get exactly what you want (everything I asked for this year - especially things that were really uncomfortable to ask for - I received).

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

All those nights hopin' that we'd find it
Lookin' at the sky, like thank God that you're with me
You're with me
Run red lights and following the signs
It's been a long ride and I just can't believe
Can't believe we made it

Oh, we made it
We made it
- H.E.R. - We Made It

EVP

When I got into Berkeley, much to the surprise of my peers and college counselor, I gave all the credit to my personal statements. I assumed my SAT scores and paltry extracurriculars were too unremarkable to warrant admission.

When I got my first agency job at LEWIS Pulse, I chalked it up to luck. That I was at the right place at the right time when a college acquaintance offered to refer me to this new company she’d just started working at.

And when I rose quickly at LEWIS, I attributed all of my promotions to the kindness of my managers and good timing, as I rode a wave of rapid growth within the agency.

These are just examples of all the ways I’ve undercut my own achievements.

I used to identify as “lazy,” because I love taking naps and playing puzzle games on my phone. It wasn’t until my therapist asked me point blank during a session, “Why do you think you’re lazy? With everything you do, do you not deserve to rest sometimes?” I felt the foundation of my entire identity shift. It had never occurred to me that what I considered to be bad habits were actually a form of rest.

Since then, I’ve been on a journey of reframing. How many times has my internal monologue been at odds with how others perceive me? How often have I given my power away, attributing the positive events and success in my life to luck, karmic retribution, or the perhaps undeserved generosity of others? I’m going through a similar moment of reframing now, spurred by my most recent promotion to EVP.

I’ll admit - my new title feels big, almost too big. Like an oversized sweater hanging heavy on my small frame. But if I think back to my previous positions, all of my titles have felt bigger than I was comfortable with. I just faked my way through all of them.

The higher I rise and the more visible I become as a leader, the less interested I am in “faking it ‘til I make it.” I think it does a disservice to the younger generation of aspiring leaders, those who might also be struggling with imposter syndrome, to pretend I have my shit together. So allow me to be real for a second -

I have almost never felt 100% confident stepping into any role that’s come my way. Like many others, I used to hide my college graduation year because I feared my age would undermine my seniority. I’ve also had my ass handed to me a few times - by executives and by clients. Each time was scary and deeply uncomfortable, but I ultimately used each experience to learn from my mistakes and get better.

What I’m good at is saying yes - to new opportunities, new challenges, and new experiences. And I’m good at giving a shit about things outside of me - I expend a lot of energy just trying to be a better human, and it’s a philosophy that’s served me well both personally and professionally. This is where my power lies, the power I’ve been so quick to give away in the past.

I’m very grateful and humbled that leadership at my company deemed me fit for this new role. And while yes, I’m still a little uncomfortable about it, I’m using this as an opportunity to fully step into my power, wholly and unapologetically.

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"We accept the love we think we deserve."

I first read those words in “The Perks of Being a Wallflower,” when I was 16 and single and pining for a relationship. Over a decade later, my best friend would use similar language to reassure me that I was worthy and deserving of all the love that I desired, as I contended with the slow decline of a “situationship” that wasn’t going anywhere.

Today is Liam’s and my 3rd anniversary, and it is only now (with a ring on my finger) that I feel totally comfortable admitting that I spent the first year of our relationship insecure that this childhood dream crush of a man could be into me. Me, this 4’11” Filipino girl who looked nothing like the leggy models I usually saw on the arms of men who looked like him.

I remember feeling uncomfortable whenever he took pictures of me in the beginning. I felt self-conscious and afraid that if he were to share them, would people be surprised that this conventionally attractive man chose to be with me? Would they silently question the merits of our pairing and whether or not I deserved to be with him? I’ve never shared the pictures below, which Liam took after one of our early dates, because I think on a deep, subconscious level, I didn’t feel worthy of his gaze.

I know where the insecurity comes from. It stems from my high school experience of feeling lonely and unwanted while seemingly all of my peers matched up around me. It stems from a short-lived teenage romance that spanned only a few months, but created ripples of emotional trauma that left me feeling undesirable and unattractive. And if I’m being totally honest, it also stems from a lack of representation - growing up the media I consumed was inundated with tall, attractive, model-looking women dating other tall, attractive, model-looking men and it literally never occurred to me that perhaps “my type” could actually be interested in me until I started using dating apps.

This journal entry from 2005 pretty succinctly captures the limiting belief I’d cultivated since I was 16:

It’s frustrating knowing that I can never have him. Or any ‘him’s. Those one guys I actually desire. These things don’t work out like they do in movies with me. I’m just that small Asian girl who’s pretty, but not memorable. Smart, but not remarkable. Funny, but not hysterical. 

I’m not the girl who gets the guy, but just once, I’d like to break the cycle. Just once out of a gajillion. I’d like to get the guy. 

I know I joke a lot about Liam being “my favorite snack,” but it’s because on the flip side, I know that being with him has forced me to confront deep insecurities and negative self talk that I’ve harbored since adolescence. And it strikes me that my early insecurity was another form of imposter syndrome, as I questioned whether I had a right to this kind of love and mutual attraction. But like my experience overcoming imposter syndrome at work, I consciously chose to power through the discomfort until eventually the confidence I was faking turned into something real.

I’m grateful that through therapy and a ton of self-work that I’ve learned how to receive and accept Liam’s love, because it’s been so worth it. I’m 3 years into this big, earth-shaking, uncontainable love, and I can’t wait to see what forever has in store for us.

Love you, Liam. Happy anniversary. 💝

I'm Tired.

But not for the usual reasons you might suspect.

I haven’t been working an unmanageable number of hours and I haven’t been doom scrolling the news. Instead I’m tired for more mundane, everyday reasons.

Like forgetting to go grocery shopping over the weekend and therefore struggling to figure out what to feed myself during the rare 30-minute window I don’t have a meeting. Or having to remind myself to do my physical therapy exercises because I dislocated my shoulder a year ago and am still dealing with persistent pain around my shoulder and down my spine. Or feeling burnt out from “being on” and having to solve problems all day for my job.

I pride myself on being a strong, emotionally resilient, and capable person, so when I catch myself feeling like this - tired and worn down by things that seem truly inconsequential in the grand scheme of things - I feel a little guilty. What a luxury and a privilege to have such trivial “problems” when there are others who struggle with far worse in the world.

But I’m taking this moment to remind myself that all emotions are valid, contextualized within our lived experiences. We can be empathetic to the experiences of others without also discrediting the validity of our own emotions and experiences. Because how can we be empathetic and of service to others if we lack the ability to bear witness to our own emotional world? How can we acknowledge and validate another’s feelings if we are unwilling to acknowledge and validate them in ourselves?

So here I am admitting that I’m struggling to be “on” right now, and giving myself permission to sit in the feeling rather than dismiss it. I know it will eventually pass, as it usually does. And I will come out the other side better for it.

I hope this also gives you permission to feel what you’re feeling, however ugly or silly it may seem. You are allowed to feel the way that you feel.